depression

Getting by

I don’t know what I’m looking for exactly. I just know that something’s not right. That something is missing. And that because it’s missing, I just want to stop breathing. Because nowadays, I’ve done more ‘getting by’ than actually living.

And I don’t know what I’m supposed do. When will this ever stop when at every end point of the day, I have the need to write the sadness away. Because there’s just no happy stories to tell.

There’s just not much to tell.

 

In between

I’m not sad. I’m not happy either. I guess I’m feeling in between.

I’m on that line between whether to quit or to keep fighting. And dear reader, it’s a never ending battle of regrets against possibilities.

I wanna be a doctor. I wanna get on a plane and never look back. I wanna dive oceans, one from each continent. I wanna make a living out of pressing keys and stitching up words. I wanna drink coffee while watching the snow pour down. I wanna learn to speak French. I wanna get drunk and kiss a stranger. I wanna go climb mountains where land meets sky, where all my unmuffled screams will matter to one, where my soul can wonder free, where all my worries are soaked up by nature’s beauty. I wanna be away. I wanna find myself.

But dear reader, this probably isn’t the first of many posts you have read about dreams and ambitions. Everyone dreams of alot of things. Most are impossible. And we almost always end up disappointed that this world we live in is a selfish bitch.

They say this world is full of happiness..that one just has to open themselves up and be who they are. I wish that was true. And damn it, I’m still wishing..

I have always been a fan of possibilities. I was a believer.

But now, after months of trying to find more to believe in, I’m as lost as I can be.

But I guess, part of me still believes that something good will happen tomorrow. or the next day..or the next year..maybe the next lifetime.

Empty kills.

What i feel right now is simple. I feel empty.

Actually its more complicated when you mix in a whole year of suppressed anger towards the people who did nothing wrong. Its more complicated when all the stress from school gets suck in. Its all complicated

But the word feels so simple.

Empty.

Its always wake up tired. Pull your shit together enough to get through 6 hours of class. Be all sad. Sleep. Then do it all over again.

This has been me for over a year now. Empty.

Just short term laughter, no real goals in life, no idea how to feel alive again.

You know, nothing kills you like how your mind does.

Wounds and internal bleeding are nothing compared to self sabotage by mind. Cuz while all those disease and injuries hurt, at least you know where to put your hands to ease the pain. The mind doesnt do that. Instead, it hurts your soul. And sometimes you try so hard to stick your hands inside your chest to calm your heart but you often end up sticking needles in you.

Empty. I wish there was a medical term for that. Because in reality, empty kills.

The Broken.

People with broken hearts break things. They break vases..windows..mirrors..bottles of gin..or anything of everything that breaks into fragments.

I guess Im different.

I dont break things.

I break myself.

I run as fast as I can until the muscles in my legs tangle up and force me to stop. But I wont. Ill keep running.

I turn the music up so high my eardrums will go crazy like wildfire rushing through my body until it impairs my brain. It is then I can no longer think. I can no longer worry.

I write..pour out every pint of my blood into pen and paper. I will break every joint, every phalanges, and every vein that my hand used to hold hearts and trust.

I cry til my eyeballs drown from the tears. And I will let my soul drown no matter the wreckage.

I drink…letting the alcohol infiltrate my body even if it leaves my liver gasping. And I smoke til my lungs scream for fresh air.

Then when my system can no longer take it, I will leave the memory of those who screwed me over down in the toilet or in surgery or wherever hell I end up in.

And still will I have the audacity to screw up even more.

Call it reckless but to me it is living and learning.

It’s 8:13 pm, and I think I’ll start learning how to swim better.

They say that every cell in our body reacts to what the mind thinks of. 

In this case, my mind is full of negativity…therefore my whole body is just sinking in this bottomless pit of misery. 

I can’t seem to fathom why I am never satisfied of the choices I make and the chances I take. It feels like every path is a road block and every dead end is a slap to the face.

Dear reader, I used to wish that life had a reset button. That you can make all the mistakes you can, and make all the wrong choices, but never have to suffer the consequences. Because you can’t deny the fact that life is too messy for too many mistakes. But then I realized, life wouldn’t be worth living if every stolen kiss, every stomach bursting laughter, every fleeting handshakes, and every bit of good memories could all be taken away with just a push of a button.

If life had a reset button, then we wouldn’t really be living. We would all just be existing. Messing with space time continuum would just mess with all the beautiful things life offers.

Dear reader, whatever pain youre going through right now, whatever cliff is tempting you to take the leap, whatever heartbreaks are making you cry right now…always remember, you are human. It’s okay to drown for some time because losing oxygen is the best way to remind your lungs how much it loves the taste of air. Not getting to see the sun rise is the best reminder of that dream you’ll one day wake up to. 

Dear reader, it’s okay not to be okay but don’t ever let the world submerge you into nothingness. 

Swim a little harder.

 

Stuff I learned the hard way

A heartbreak is a magnifying glass. It kinda magnifies the things in life that you thought were just dull daily routines. When you feel the pain of a heartbreak, a simple “hello” from a random classmate becomes a tear-jerking moment wherein you feel loved; even a slight curve of the lips from your best friend becomes the mightiest assurance that you are not alone. 

I’ve gone through severe, life-shattering heartbreaks. And I’m thankful because I learned alot. 

On those times where your face becomes a blob of tears and redness, you kinda see the people who are willing to do anything to put a smile back on your face. They crack jokes, buy you food, hang out with you and hold your hand when they know the tears are coming. True friends will always be there. It’s that simple. No need for fancy words.

Though friends will keep you company during heartbreaks, time will screw you up. They say time is relative. And that in these days of misery, time kinda slows down. Watching my ex and my bestfriend together felt like forever. Watching them dance under a trillion stars became the longest hour for me. As if the whole universe stopped moving, as if it sent down all the stars and bottled them up into beautiful constellations, as if the whole earth stopped rotating..but they kept dancing and I kept staring…and my heart- it kept breaking. 

Time was an evil bitch. But time woke me up from my fairytale dream. It brought me to reality. 

Losing someone was like losing a part of me. It was like losing my left hand. It gave me the reality that I can never be the same person ever again. If I lost my left hand, I could never play the piano normally, I could never cook properly (not that I know how to cook), I could never grasp anything normally. Everything would never be the same.

When I lost him, I realize I could never rant to anyone ever again whenever I have my monthly period. I could never have anyone like him. No one to cry to  or run to or write to. 

I kinda forgot how to live normally again. All I knew before, was that I was inlove and that was it. Now, I’m trying to find myself again but I’m afraid I’m losing myself in the process. 

Who am I?

I was sure I had the option of becoming a housewife back when I was with him. I was sure I planned my own wedding in my head everynight. I was sure I figured out everything. But then nothing is ever permanent. 

Those were dreams. Dreams I thought could happen. But  for now, life told me I can’t have that. Those dreams probably belong to someone else now. 

But that doesnt mean I can’t have new ones. 

And again, a heartbreak magnified my whole existence. It was then that I realized, I was young and stupid. And that opportunities were still waiting for me. I could become a doctor and look back and tell myself what I know now. 

I was so sure it was him. 

And I was wrong. 

Love was wrong. 

But we are humans. And we make mistakes. And mistakes create scars.

But scars create lessons. And lessons create legends. 

Dear person I used to love, the scar you gave me… Its my favorite scar now 🙂

All of Him

funny how in the middle of the night

my mind keeps sensing your presence

in my dreams and in everything

and by the time a new dawn comes upon us

the corners of my room is

still filled with YOU

 

funny how we used to fly so high

on cloud nine and kiss ’til the rain stops pouring

and now we pass by each other

as if everything that was once magical

has now faded into oblivion

 

i can feel every bit of your happiness when

you left me and found another

and the universe hates fairness

so it made sure our hearts dont break even

one is happier than the other

i just dont know which one..

 

maybe im too naive to comprehend

this whole idea of love.. that love

is so beautiful when in reality

it really is not..

but then again..

 

love CAN be beautiful

if those who play the game plays it well

it is not love to blame for all the hurt

its rejection that hurts..

’tis the drama that’s dull

depression doesn’t happen with love

but it happens with hurt

and hurt comes when trust breaks

and one pushes the other away

but in the end,

who is to say that the love once formed

isn’t beautiful at all?

 

of course it is beautiful because

even if you deny it,

i was once your sanity and

you were once my oxygen

it just so happened that love left us

and that we found love with another

 

so dear reader,

i am in a hangover

from all the stuff and memories

he left behind

because its far too impossible for me

to ever forget

all of him.

It is not sad. It is depressing.

My mind doesn’t tell me anything..only that it hurts. The feeling of being left by a friend- it is not sad. It is depressing.

I am frowning with all the frustration my eyebrows can arc. And the confusion inside my mind programs me to throw anything within arm’s reach. I feel like a child. I wish I were a child. Just so I wouldn’t have to deal with all this drama. Should I tell you, a random person..one in a billion of the human population, my story?

Why the hell not?

I mean, isn’t that why I write..to tell a story.

So it all began simple. I went through a break up and my BEST FRIEND so gratefully did me a favor by comforting the person who made my heart commit suicide.  Now his heart is fixed and mended and ready to beat to the tune of another sappy love song… And so now my best friend goes frolicking through the meadows into the sunset and into the pages of happily ever after with him, leaving her old family that stuck with her through all the ups and downs of high school’s roller coaster watching by at the sidelines.

We’ve talked once..twice..thrice..four times., but sadly, there is no such thing as talking her into some sense because she is madly in love and she forgot everyone behind the smile she carries today.

But dear reader, tell me…was she really my best friend? Tell me, am I the one at fault’s line? She was supposed to be my best friend. Four years of sisterhood and childishness and memories and mischief and trouble-making, all ending just because of one guy.

Dear reader, help me. Help me restore my faith in humanity.

Even if the infinite forbids me

Image

Friend: When will you stop breaking your heart?

Me: When someone starts picking up the pieces that went astray.

Friend: Are you really gonna wait that long?

Me: What do you mean?

Friend: If you’re not gonna pick up the pieces now, you might never find them in the future because there are stupid people in this world who would kick it out of their way or people who would troll with it.

Me: I guess I would wait for the one who will actually see me when I’m invisible.

Friend: And if he doesnt come?

Me: I will wait. In this lifetime or the next…I will wait. Because he will come.

Friend: How many times will you believe that lie?

Me: Until every piece falls back right into place.

Friend: Why does your world have to revolve around finding the RIGHT HIM?!

Me: Because I am left broken..and I dont deserve to be broken. I deserve to be fixed. And every girl in this world who has cried for the wrong guy deserves to dream of the most beautiful fantasies…maybe dance of top of clouds and cast a fishing line from the tip of a crescent moon.. every damsel in distress deserves to fall in love again…to escape the world of depression and endless anxiety and maybe shoot across the galaxies of pure oddity and supremacy.

Dear friend, I believe that the world of hurt is filled with people who deserves to die on a cozy deathbed..knowing that in their hearts is a man who will always carry a piece of her memory in his soul. This is what every girl dreams of..

I just want a chance. And dear friend, I will wait even until the day the oceans go separate ways…even if the infinite forbids me.