Make it stop

I awake to the mistakes that haunt me in my sleep. All the screwed-up do overs hold me hostage in bed as I clench the blankets close. I think, if I could suffocate myself in this darkness and never wake up, I’d thank the universe for the free pass.

I have never gotten a free pass on missing you. I had to savor the senseless ache of my of this cosmic joke that is me. I wish I could let you go. You are, after all, just a distant history. A vivid wish. A senseless longing for attention, an aching desperation for touch.

I have known all too well this kind of pain. The type that aches slowly, rises and falls, hits you again just when you think it’s gone.

I stop and look back, was it worth it?

Some pain

I see why some people find it hard to trust. Why they seem to always be tied up with doubts, why they never really listen to words anymore.

You’ve got to understand. Some pains were never meant to last. Like that time when you were a child, they told you not to lay a finger on the burning surface of an iron. Yet you still did. The pain lasted a second, you cried for minutes. And you’ve spent your entire life not ever touching anything without hesitation.

See, the pain, the reflex action, the tears. They never meant to stay, but they certainly made scars.

I guess hurt is why some people readily give up their skin for sex, but never their heart for commitment.

I guess goodbyes are why some people leave before they get a chance to stay.

I guess tragedies are why some people read more than they live.

But somehow, some not so shitty day, we almost always thank ourselves for surviving these tidal waves, for bouncing back, for waking up again, hoping again, smiling again. We look in the mirror and put make up again, ready our masks, hide the cracks. And yes we are all a little hypocritical. And yes, we are all a little bit less, a little bit short of something, of someone, of a lot, but we rally through.

Remember, you are human, painted with words and labels, scarred with handshakes and kisses, taped with promises and ‘I love you’s. You are alive. And this sadness, this pain you feel.. it’s the very proof of it.