Almost

We we’re scrambling for words, building sentences from apologies. How many ways are there to say sorry. What other phrases can we stitch up before we end with goodbye?

We held on to that phone call like it was the only thing keeping our fragile little door from being locked. And as we sat there in silence, our vast oasis of vocabulary all dried up, I cannot begin to fathom how many long nights I’ll spend thinking how we could have had it differently. Maybe we could have tried. And even if we would inevitably fail, I’d like one last car ride home. No arguments, no stupid petty fights. And maybe then, I’d lock in that memory and wash out all the bad ones, just remember you in that one fleeting moment of bliss.

Make it stop

I awake to the mistakes that haunt me in my sleep. All the screwed-up do overs hold me hostage in bed as I clench the blankets close. I think, if I could suffocate myself in this darkness and never wake up, I’d thank the universe for the free pass.

I have never gotten a free pass on missing you. I had to savor the senseless ache of my of this cosmic joke that is me. I wish I could let you go. You are, after all, just a distant history. A vivid wish. A senseless longing for attention, an aching desperation for touch.

I have known all too well this kind of pain. The type that aches slowly, rises and falls, hits you again just when you think it’s gone.

I stop and look back, was it worth it?

Burning house

What hurts about it all is that I cannot muster the elegance to write about you.

No matter how hard I try I cannot stitch up the right words to describe what I feel

Somehow I always end up with the same cliche metaphors of drowning. Of being pulled down by the crushing weight of the ocean. It has always been the same sinking feeling.

And I have no other words to describe it. How i always think sunsets. How the warmth of your touch was always sunsets. Nothing remotely comes close to this feeling other than the trickling orange amidst the fading blue skies. How quick and how beautiful, how each passing day with you was always the home I longed for.

How is it that even homes are meant to be fragile. How easily it burns down, and all of a sudden we are left with bruises and burns. We tried, always tried to rebuild this home with promises and hand holds. Though it was never ideal, for a long time we managed. It kept us dry from the storms and kept us sheltered from the chaos. God, I miss running away from the world in your arms.

But I have yet to realize that promises make weak foundations. Soon enough we broke apart and you let go. As much as I wanted to do the same, I felt too stuck in this burning house. I still have to learn how to free myself from the mistakes of yesterday.

Now I bury myself in unquenched feeling of missing you. I miss you, every single day. From when you left til forever.

I am stuck in this burning house.

When she has trust issues.

You won’t really get to take care of her. Because compared to how she guards her walls, you’ll look like a pebble trying to knock down mountains.

The dull ache of doubt

Dear reader, I have been in such a state of confusion. And the only way I can save myself from exploding inside my mind is by writing.

I am a pessimist. I usually believe that the world will one day punish me for all the wrong I’ve done. There has not been a day where the idea of me all depressed and singing to Taylor Swift songs has not crossed my mind..I have yet to accept that my life is not a movie and that it will not always have a planned script for every scene..nor is my life a musical where all the bitterness could disappear with a song and a dance. You see me smile but in my mind I have already killed you in the gruesome death you deserve.

I can never last in a relationship for a month or two without doubting everything…without thinking of the worse case scenarios..without imagining him with another girl….without trying to figure out the tragic ending. I never stop tormenting myself with the thought that you will always find someone better and smarter and prettier. If I can’t even stop worrying for a day or two then dear reader, how would I even survive this long distance relationship between lovers who are new and fresh to the idea of starting over again in the game of love?

I can’t weigh what matters because all I think about is the negative side. And I guess thats what went wrong with my past relationship. I thought too much of all the things that could go wrong that I watched the love of my life slip away from my embrace. 

But that is me. I am pessimistic and I guess, one day I’d like for someone to change that. And if he can, then maybe it’s him.