Make it stop

I awake to the mistakes that haunt me in my sleep. All the screwed-up do overs hold me hostage in bed as I clench the blankets close. I think, if I could suffocate myself in this darkness and never wake up, I’d thank the universe for the free pass.

I have never gotten a free pass on missing you. I had to savor the senseless ache of my of this cosmic joke that is me. I wish I could let you go. You are, after all, just a distant history. A vivid wish. A senseless longing for attention, an aching desperation for touch.

I have known all too well this kind of pain. The type that aches slowly, rises and falls, hits you again just when you think it’s gone.

I stop and look back, was it worth it?

You.

12-6-2015

I have cried enough tears to equate all seven seas

But the waves, they keep pushing me down

And I let them

I sink deeper and deeper

Love, I wish you would sail to your happiness

And I’d be here

Whispering to the waves

To guide you closer and closer

To wherever makes you smile

 

 

Some pain

I see why some people find it hard to trust. Why they seem to always be tied up with doubts, why they never really listen to words anymore.

You’ve got to understand. Some pains were never meant to last. Like that time when you were a child, they told you not to lay a finger on the burning surface of an iron. Yet you still did. The pain lasted a second, you cried for minutes. And you’ve spent your entire life not ever touching anything without hesitation.

See, the pain, the reflex action, the tears. They never meant to stay, but they certainly made scars.

I guess hurt is why some people readily give up their skin for sex, but never their heart for commitment.

I guess goodbyes are why some people leave before they get a chance to stay.

I guess tragedies are why some people read more than they live.

But somehow, some not so shitty day, we almost always thank ourselves for surviving these tidal waves, for bouncing back, for waking up again, hoping again, smiling again. We look in the mirror and put make up again, ready our masks, hide the cracks. And yes we are all a little hypocritical. And yes, we are all a little bit less, a little bit short of something, of someone, of a lot, but we rally through.

Remember, you are human, painted with words and labels, scarred with handshakes and kisses, taped with promises and ‘I love you’s. You are alive. And this sadness, this pain you feel.. it’s the very proof of it.

Dear love…

Liking you from afar is so hard.

As if you were this magician. Everybody knew all of your tricks but me. You had me the moment you asked for a volunteer. I knew I saw the trapdoor. But I fell anyway. And it hurt. Like drowning… my feet were kicking everywhere because I thought that if kicked hard enough, the ground would rise and resurface my crooked heart.

Why can’t I get you off my mind?

You were never nice to me. You always left this damsel writing you a letter whenever you had the chance. You probably can’t even stand my weirdness. Yet if I could push you off a cliff only to run at the bottom and catch you, I would. Dear love, I don’t know why but I would.

I would carve stairs at the side of a mountain and save you the trouble of hurting your hands from the climb. Love, I would throw a rope and try to tame as many stars as I can to keep you believing that there is this girl who thinks of you every night before she falls asleep.

I would paint you rainbows and make sure they last even during the storms. I’ll keep molding poetry and pour my blood, sweat and tears in each page just to let you know how much I can’t stop thinking of you.

These words in my mouth they taste so bitter. How I wish I could tell you that fates have decided for us to cross paths and left me to fall in love with you.

Dear, this song you hear everyday is not just a song I sing to fill the silence, but its a song that tells you who you are to me. And who you are to me is someone I would write for til my fingers break from all the tenacity of when pen collides with paper. Who you are to me is someone I dream of at day.

You are the smile that keeps me enchanted…your dimples, they make me wonder what lies in such deepness.

Love, you are the book I keep trying to read. Every piece of you is a page turner but sometimes I feel like the next time I flip one, a tragedy awaits. But its okay because I will love still.

Dear, will you please love me back?

Stuff I learned the hard way

A heartbreak is a magnifying glass. It kinda magnifies the things in life that you thought were just dull daily routines. When you feel the pain of a heartbreak, a simple “hello” from a random classmate becomes a tear-jerking moment wherein you feel loved; even a slight curve of the lips from your best friend becomes the mightiest assurance that you are not alone. 

I’ve gone through severe, life-shattering heartbreaks. And I’m thankful because I learned alot. 

On those times where your face becomes a blob of tears and redness, you kinda see the people who are willing to do anything to put a smile back on your face. They crack jokes, buy you food, hang out with you and hold your hand when they know the tears are coming. True friends will always be there. It’s that simple. No need for fancy words.

Though friends will keep you company during heartbreaks, time will screw you up. They say time is relative. And that in these days of misery, time kinda slows down. Watching my ex and my bestfriend together felt like forever. Watching them dance under a trillion stars became the longest hour for me. As if the whole universe stopped moving, as if it sent down all the stars and bottled them up into beautiful constellations, as if the whole earth stopped rotating..but they kept dancing and I kept staring…and my heart- it kept breaking. 

Time was an evil bitch. But time woke me up from my fairytale dream. It brought me to reality. 

Losing someone was like losing a part of me. It was like losing my left hand. It gave me the reality that I can never be the same person ever again. If I lost my left hand, I could never play the piano normally, I could never cook properly (not that I know how to cook), I could never grasp anything normally. Everything would never be the same.

When I lost him, I realize I could never rant to anyone ever again whenever I have my monthly period. I could never have anyone like him. No one to cry to  or run to or write to. 

I kinda forgot how to live normally again. All I knew before, was that I was inlove and that was it. Now, I’m trying to find myself again but I’m afraid I’m losing myself in the process. 

Who am I?

I was sure I had the option of becoming a housewife back when I was with him. I was sure I planned my own wedding in my head everynight. I was sure I figured out everything. But then nothing is ever permanent. 

Those were dreams. Dreams I thought could happen. But  for now, life told me I can’t have that. Those dreams probably belong to someone else now. 

But that doesnt mean I can’t have new ones. 

And again, a heartbreak magnified my whole existence. It was then that I realized, I was young and stupid. And that opportunities were still waiting for me. I could become a doctor and look back and tell myself what I know now. 

I was so sure it was him. 

And I was wrong. 

Love was wrong. 

But we are humans. And we make mistakes. And mistakes create scars.

But scars create lessons. And lessons create legends. 

Dear person I used to love, the scar you gave me… Its my favorite scar now 🙂

Don’t kill yourself

I know, you think dying is easy and living is hard. 

You think everyone won’t even care. 

And if you go missing…

No one would probably look for you…or stay up all night trying to find you. 

But let me tell you what happens after you die. 

Those people that bullied you or hated you or hurt you–theyre gonna put on the best masks to show everyone how sorry they are for all the words they said and all the stuff they did. Bullshit, right?

But for those people who loved you, it’s never gonna be the same for them. Your mother, sisters, friends, boyfriend, girlfriend, teachers… they’re never gonna leave the daydream of saving you. Everyday, theyre gonna look back to the night you died and think about how if they were a better person, they couldve probably saved you. Theyre gonna endure everyone’s questions about why you died or how you died. (as if they care)

I had a friend who cried in front of me and told me he’s always thinking about suicide. 

I couldnt lie and tell him that life’s good. I couldn’t even talk. But I couldn’t leave him. I had to be a friend.

So to all of you who wants to do it, please don’t.  

Live for you dreams. Live for love. Live for the memories. Live for friends. 

Don’t kill yourself.

It’s been months but I’m still broken.

If it was a random person who did it, I wouldn’t really care. But it was you- my friend. Before, you were my star, my companion, my best-est friend. You were many things to me but now…to me you are the person who broke me.

You and your charms, you deceived me.

You and your enticing stares.

You and your soft whispers, your infinite embrace, your heavenly kiss, your gentle touch. Everything about you screams the ghost of me still haunting every fiber, every cell and every ounce of my being with all the rainbows of yesterday.

It’s been months since you broke me.

But I’m still broken. I’m still lost.

My hand are still bleeding from young love’s fragility.

It is as if you are a drop of tear in the ocean. I lost you. And now I can’t find you. I can’t find anything to fill up the wounds you left. Nothing seems to ever be the universe you were to me.

My head’s been spinning like I’ve been traveling through worm wholes every night. It’s always a different nightmare. But I always wake up to this reality: you are never coming back.

No matter how much I try to fall back into sleep, I will never wake up to those days where you still loved me so much.

Someone, save me. Whoever you are. Please. Fix me.

Love. Chances. Deception.

“Maybe love stays
Maybe love can’t
Maybe love shouldn’t”
-Sarah Kay

Maybe I spent too much time watching the stars that I forgot the beauty of sunrise. Maybe I was too busy avoiding the edge of the cliff that I forgot to save myself from jumping.

Maybe I held my chances too long that I let it slip out of my fingers.

That’s the funny thing about chances..you think you have so many but when the doors start to close, you scramble to leave everything behind and fit to the tiny space the door left open. You’re just hurting yourself.

Dear, listen. The door doesnt want you anymore. No matter how much you squeeze your soul into it, its not for you. And you have to accept that. Stop trying to punish yourself. Instead, leave.

Go back and start picking up the pieces to the lego house you built.

And maybe you think that door is gonna open anytime. So you watch it. It taunts you, but you stare at it anyway.

Sometimes, it does open.

But most of the time it doesn’t.

Thats when pain takes over. That when frustration slaps you hard in the face. Thats when every fiber of you breaks down. That’s when you feel empty..lost..gone.

Because all you ever wanted was the chance you couldve had in that door. But you only realized that when it closed.

Its just deception playing with you. Its anchoring you down, its just making you slower. Fight it! Don’t let it define you.

Dear reader, keep moving forward. Cuz when one door closes, a million more opens. You just have to start looking again.

So maybe love doesn’t always stay, that doesn’t mean the love I deserve doesn’t exist.

I believe in love. I believe in chances. I believe in deception.

But most of all, I believe in the story the stars will write for me 🙂

A story to break the heart

They said our mind operates in two ways when it comes to situations, its either we fight or take flight. But she couldnt choose.
The whole world seem to explode so slowly for dear Anabeth.
The moon played hide and seek with the clouds and the owls hooted the symphonies that haunted the living.
Nothing unusual really.
Nothing except for an empty bottle of tequila and a vial of undrunk poison on the bedside table.
So begins the game of life and death on the very bed where Anabeth lies awake- cold and shattered and breathing.
The mechanics were simple. Drink the poison and death wins. Or sleep for the night and life wins a little. But either way Anabeth loses.
As death gambles for life, Anabeth stares at the ceiling and the ceiling stares back. Slowly the ticking clock releases tension, creating this nostalgia of yesterday. It all came back to Anabeth…

Anabeth was only 5 when she saw the petrified body of her mother being lowered down to be forever buried.
No one knew this. No one knew why Anabeth cried by the lemon tree.

Anabeth never knew her father, and up until now she wonders if such a man even deserves to be called a father.. She lives with her aunt Lysa and comes home to his drunk and wasted uncle George who slept with a different woman every night. But Aunt Lysa loved him anyway.

And by chance, Anabeth thought maybe forgiveness was the answer. And maybe if she could just summon every fiber of her body to walk up to her father’s door, she would be a little happier. So she did try. Knocked once, twice….

And to her surprise, the door opened… with such slowness that it rose the suspense through the roof.
“Hello?” says the man who left her 16 years ago…the man who promised his life to her dead mother. The man who couldve saved her but didnt. The man that in every way was also her.
He was many things to Anabeth but when the sun set on that day…all he was then, is now the man who closed the door.
It hurt like hell.

So what’s left to fight for?
Live for love?
…when all she ever knew was rejection and pain?
Live for family?
….when she doesnt even have a real one?
Live for friends?
….you mean the ones who laughed at her and bullied her?
Live for herself?
…She was empty. Every beat of the heart and every breath of the lungs was a twisting dagger to her soul.
She had nothing.
She was broken…in every way a person can be broken. And nothing can ever fill the open fractures life has done to Anabeth. She ran out of fight. And flight was nowhere. There was no escape. So it happened.
It’s 5:58 a.m. and the winner is…