On the chaos happening in my mind

Anxiety knocks

Please understand that there are days when my anxiety is sky high 

And though you say you’ll love me still

These are the days i just want to sleep and forget the world. Sometimes it also means forgetting you love me. 

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Getting by

I don’t know what I’m looking for exactly. I just know that something’s not right. That something is missing. And that because it’s missing, I just want to stop breathing. Because nowadays, I’ve done more ‘getting by’ than actually living.

And I don’t know what I’m supposed do. When will this ever stop when at every end point of the day, I have the need to write the sadness away. Because there’s just no happy stories to tell.

There’s just not much to tell.

 

When I Write, It Doesn’t Always Make Sense

I know, I’ve never been good at writing coherent stories or poems that make sense. But when I write, it’s always after a hurricane–of events, of thoughts, of emotions..

And I write as fast as I can because whatever comes out after the big explosion of emotions and life…whatever I write then, will be the rawest version of the story.

It’s the version that I may not understand at all. It’s the version I know came from heart and not from a pool of vocabulary to impress. It’s the version that is real.

The stories I write are incoherent. I know.

But how else do we ever fathom what happens in life than to write and write and write..

Until we see the constellations.

Some pain

I see why some people find it hard to trust. Why they seem to always be tied up with doubts, why they never really listen to words anymore.

You’ve got to understand. Some pains were never meant to last. Like that time when you were a child, they told you not to lay a finger on the burning surface of an iron. Yet you still did. The pain lasted a second, you cried for minutes. And you’ve spent your entire life not ever touching anything without hesitation.

See, the pain, the reflex action, the tears. They never meant to stay, but they certainly made scars.

I guess hurt is why some people readily give up their skin for sex, but never their heart for commitment.

I guess goodbyes are why some people leave before they get a chance to stay.

I guess tragedies are why some people read more than they live.

But somehow, some not so shitty day, we almost always thank ourselves for surviving these tidal waves, for bouncing back, for waking up again, hoping again, smiling again. We look in the mirror and put make up again, ready our masks, hide the cracks. And yes we are all a little hypocritical. And yes, we are all a little bit less, a little bit short of something, of someone, of a lot, but we rally through.

Remember, you are human, painted with words and labels, scarred with handshakes and kisses, taped with promises and ‘I love you’s. You are alive. And this sadness, this pain you feel.. it’s the very proof of it.

In between

I’m not sad. I’m not happy either. I guess I’m feeling in between.

I’m on that line between whether to quit or to keep fighting. And dear reader, it’s a never ending battle of regrets against possibilities.

I wanna be a doctor. I wanna get on a plane and never look back. I wanna dive oceans, one from each continent. I wanna make a living out of pressing keys and stitching up words. I wanna drink coffee while watching the snow pour down. I wanna learn to speak French. I wanna get drunk and kiss a stranger. I wanna go climb mountains where land meets sky, where all my unmuffled screams will matter to one, where my soul can wonder free, where all my worries are soaked up by nature’s beauty. I wanna be away. I wanna find myself.

But dear reader, this probably isn’t the first of many posts you have read about dreams and ambitions. Everyone dreams of alot of things. Most are impossible. And we almost always end up disappointed that this world we live in is a selfish bitch.

They say this world is full of happiness..that one just has to open themselves up and be who they are. I wish that was true. And damn it, I’m still wishing..

I have always been a fan of possibilities. I was a believer.

But now, after months of trying to find more to believe in, I’m as lost as I can be.

But I guess, part of me still believes that something good will happen tomorrow. or the next day..or the next year..maybe the next lifetime.

Empty kills.

What i feel right now is simple. I feel empty.

Actually its more complicated when you mix in a whole year of suppressed anger towards the people who did nothing wrong. Its more complicated when all the stress from school gets suck in. Its all complicated

But the word feels so simple.

Empty.

Its always wake up tired. Pull your shit together enough to get through 6 hours of class. Be all sad. Sleep. Then do it all over again.

This has been me for over a year now. Empty.

Just short term laughter, no real goals in life, no idea how to feel alive again.

You know, nothing kills you like how your mind does.

Wounds and internal bleeding are nothing compared to self sabotage by mind. Cuz while all those disease and injuries hurt, at least you know where to put your hands to ease the pain. The mind doesnt do that. Instead, it hurts your soul. And sometimes you try so hard to stick your hands inside your chest to calm your heart but you often end up sticking needles in you.

Empty. I wish there was a medical term for that. Because in reality, empty kills.

Chasing fireworks.

The ending and the beginning have a lot of things in common.
For example: 1. Time becomes the enemy. In the ending, you chase all the fireworks..you capture all the sunsets…you run so fast, trying to beat time but seldom stop to check if happiness was keeping up. In the beginning, you treat time with all the fragility you can muster. Always so careful, always so genlte. A little too soft that you never got to do the things you want to do.

2. Its all about change. What to keep and what to throw away. Whom to stay with and whom to leave. Choices are made and chances are twisted. But sometimes we often change too much that we lose the reason of why we change things in the first place.

3. Its always a big celebration. Whether its cracking open the secret cellar full of rum or lighting a  candle…the beginning and the ending are the parts we often remember. How you met someone..how he broke your heart. We always forget the middle. The part where the lovers kissed…or watched the skyline turn orange by the beach.

Dear reader, i wish we dont get blinded by the fireworks and cakes and champagne. Theyre all nice but reality is, another year just passed. Whoever we were back then, that person doesnt just disappear. That person doesnt really become a new one…but rather, we better that person…ameliorate for our hopes and dreams.

So that when the count down reaches zero, we live again with more lessons.