hurt

Forgetting

You can forget his face… his kisses, the memories, all the hand holds

You can forget every single thing that made you fall for him

But you will never forget the feeling of being left

And that’s why a break-up hurts.

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I thought of him today

How can I say your name without bitterness filling up my mouth?

‘Cuz just this morning, 5 am this morning

I was walking through the streets we used to walk together,

And I remembered us- half lit cigarettes amidst dim skies,

Looking for a place to eat

A place to chat

A place to search for possibilities

Of you and me

How can I not fall back in love?

When all you ever did was make sure

That each word you whispered

Would find their way to my heart

Make it beat so loud that

I can hear the ‘I love you’

Whenever you ask if I’ve already eaten

Whenever you walk me home

Whenever you kiss me on the forehead just when you think I’ve fallen asleep

How can alcohol not work?

I’ve downed countless shot after shots

But baby, you are a memory I never want to forget

Because all I know

Was you loved me

And I broke you to pieces.

(photo credit: http://favim.com/image/44789/)

She’s so pretty it hurts

She’s so pretty it scares me.

She’s pretty enough to erase your memories of me,

Make the traces I left feel like dust from long ago

Her smile is wide enough to succumb you in happiness, drain away all the pain that was me..

Her voice.. her laugh… her mere presence

 She is more than enough to push me out of your mind..

…make every smoke you exhale swirl in the letters of her name

She’s all that is

..you’ll ever need to murder me in your dreams.

She’s so pretty it scares me.

But she’s beautiful too.

The kind of beauty you deserve.

March of Time

It’s 23 minutes before 10 and all I can think of is when I can sit next to you again…or when I can watch you read again…or when I can ask you meaningless questions that you answer anyway again. Of course, moments like these are fleeting raindrops touching the ground at a fraction of a second before they vanish into a never-ending cycle of things that happen so beautifully yet so rarely.

It’s been 3 months since you captured my pen. It only writes about you now. Call me cliche but this girl right here is stupidly falling for you every step of everyday.

5 days ago, I heard you laugh..5 seconds long. Long enough to quench my thirst for a lullaby that could lull my mood and drain it of all the negativity in this swiftly moving planet.

3 hours ago, the radio played Tee Shirt and I thought of you they way I think of you every single day. But merely 3 flights of stairs later, the song stopped and I came crashing back into this reality. Still hopeless..still breathless..still waiting to catch you take a glimpse of me. But why would you?

Of course, even if this lifetime of mine had more decades than years, you will never see me. To you I will always be the girl whose star never twinkled.

To those who just want to cry.

If words could kill, I’d be dead by now. But reality itself is already lethal so why hide behind lies when medicines don’t cure and smiles just fail?

Why is to cry so hard to do when pain has already swallowed up our self-esteem like icy flames from hell through heaven. Why is to laugh so hard to fake when even the lovely chimes so easily turn into the deafening silence of nothingness?

Why is to be hurt so hard to accept when we know humans are programmed to hurt others?

Why love when the leap of faith is just gonna break your bones til you have nothing left to keep you standing?

Why am I even writing this when I know silents words, forever unsaid cannot change the hell I’m living in right now?

Dear reader, why do we make life harder and messier?

If we love someone, we should tell them. We only get numbered days to walk upon this earth. I think we would be happier if we didn’t regret not telling them.

If we hate someone, it’s not their lose. You are the star of your life, not the bullies and heart breakers. Live and let go. We should just smile not for them but for ourselves. It’s not a life worth living if it’s a life full of anger and remorse.

If obstacles get the best of us, well, no famous person has ever made it to the top without stumbling a little on the way. It’s okay to worry a little, but remember that when the climb gets steeper, it only means you’re success is waiting at a higher peak. You can’t give up now.

Dear reader, the good days are waiting for you to smile with the sunrise so go… laugh and seize the day.

Dear Bestfriend.

I miss you.

I miss the pitter patter of rain perfectly blending with the sound of three mischievous laughter across the flagpole. I miss the tree we named the t(h)ree because it was the tree where the three of us hang out. I miss the songs we sing and I miss the letters we write to each other. And I miss the times we never really agree to wear the same clothes but we end up coincidentally smiling at each other, staring at the same shirt.

I miss watching Harry Potter movies with you because we always had different turfs and different pillows we held on to in my room. I miss the times we didn’t have awkward moments..times when we confessed the things we feel and the stuff we disliked about each other. That was friendship. It didn’t matter if we had fights, what mattered most was that it ended in laughter and music and a stronger bond of sisterhood.

It all ended when we loved the same person. And I wish I just let you be happy because now I feel guilty that I wasn’t the bestfriend I was supposed to be. And now we are miles away from each other. And I never had the chance to say sorry. 

I would write this in a paper, but I’m sure I wouldn’t have the guts to give it to you. 

So for all the times you felt alone, I’m sorry. And for the times I called you hurtful things, I’m sorry. Remember the time we wrote you a blind item entry, I’m sorry. Remember that time I yelled at you out of frustrations, I’m sorry. 

I don’t expect you to forgive me. And I don’t expect the awkwardness to disappear, but I just wish we could be bestfriends again. I wish you could miss me the way you miss your new friends. 

I hope you know that you will always be my “little” sister. 

😦

Stuff I learned the hard way

A heartbreak is a magnifying glass. It kinda magnifies the things in life that you thought were just dull daily routines. When you feel the pain of a heartbreak, a simple “hello” from a random classmate becomes a tear-jerking moment wherein you feel loved; even a slight curve of the lips from your best friend becomes the mightiest assurance that you are not alone. 

I’ve gone through severe, life-shattering heartbreaks. And I’m thankful because I learned alot. 

On those times where your face becomes a blob of tears and redness, you kinda see the people who are willing to do anything to put a smile back on your face. They crack jokes, buy you food, hang out with you and hold your hand when they know the tears are coming. True friends will always be there. It’s that simple. No need for fancy words.

Though friends will keep you company during heartbreaks, time will screw you up. They say time is relative. And that in these days of misery, time kinda slows down. Watching my ex and my bestfriend together felt like forever. Watching them dance under a trillion stars became the longest hour for me. As if the whole universe stopped moving, as if it sent down all the stars and bottled them up into beautiful constellations, as if the whole earth stopped rotating..but they kept dancing and I kept staring…and my heart- it kept breaking. 

Time was an evil bitch. But time woke me up from my fairytale dream. It brought me to reality. 

Losing someone was like losing a part of me. It was like losing my left hand. It gave me the reality that I can never be the same person ever again. If I lost my left hand, I could never play the piano normally, I could never cook properly (not that I know how to cook), I could never grasp anything normally. Everything would never be the same.

When I lost him, I realize I could never rant to anyone ever again whenever I have my monthly period. I could never have anyone like him. No one to cry to  or run to or write to. 

I kinda forgot how to live normally again. All I knew before, was that I was inlove and that was it. Now, I’m trying to find myself again but I’m afraid I’m losing myself in the process. 

Who am I?

I was sure I had the option of becoming a housewife back when I was with him. I was sure I planned my own wedding in my head everynight. I was sure I figured out everything. But then nothing is ever permanent. 

Those were dreams. Dreams I thought could happen. But  for now, life told me I can’t have that. Those dreams probably belong to someone else now. 

But that doesnt mean I can’t have new ones. 

And again, a heartbreak magnified my whole existence. It was then that I realized, I was young and stupid. And that opportunities were still waiting for me. I could become a doctor and look back and tell myself what I know now. 

I was so sure it was him. 

And I was wrong. 

Love was wrong. 

But we are humans. And we make mistakes. And mistakes create scars.

But scars create lessons. And lessons create legends. 

Dear person I used to love, the scar you gave me… Its my favorite scar now 🙂

It’s been months but I’m still broken.

If it was a random person who did it, I wouldn’t really care. But it was you- my friend. Before, you were my star, my companion, my best-est friend. You were many things to me but now…to me you are the person who broke me.

You and your charms, you deceived me.

You and your enticing stares.

You and your soft whispers, your infinite embrace, your heavenly kiss, your gentle touch. Everything about you screams the ghost of me still haunting every fiber, every cell and every ounce of my being with all the rainbows of yesterday.

It’s been months since you broke me.

But I’m still broken. I’m still lost.

My hand are still bleeding from young love’s fragility.

It is as if you are a drop of tear in the ocean. I lost you. And now I can’t find you. I can’t find anything to fill up the wounds you left. Nothing seems to ever be the universe you were to me.

My head’s been spinning like I’ve been traveling through worm wholes every night. It’s always a different nightmare. But I always wake up to this reality: you are never coming back.

No matter how much I try to fall back into sleep, I will never wake up to those days where you still loved me so much.

Someone, save me. Whoever you are. Please. Fix me.