I forget things all the time. From birthdays to dorm keys. But with you, its like forgetting is not an option

Forgetting

You can forget his face… his kisses, the memories, all the hand holds

You can forget every single thing that made you fall for him

But you will never forget the feeling of being left

And that’s why a break-up hurts.

Beautiful things to remember

I’ve been reading a lot of my previous writings lately and I guess I realized that I write not because I want to be a famous author someday but because on the days I lose hope..on the days when nothings sounds better than the thump from the collision of my body with the bed..on the days when all i see becomes blurry from all the tears..on the days when the world somehow decided it hates me..on the days of pure sadness, at least I would have the  voice of my past reminding me what used to be good.

Before, the only pain I cried from was missing my favorite cartoon on TV, and getting tooth aches from the endless pot of sweets, and being left alone in the middle of the supermarket when mom has to go grab some cheese and milk. A decade ago, the only things I got in trouble for was running around too much and breaking the vase and being in places I should not be in and screaming too loud. The only thing I have to worry about before going to bed was not wanting to go to bed. Everyday was play day and every minute was sweetness and light and cookies and pancakes.

But times have changed. Im growing up because I have to..because the universe demands me to..because life wants me to…and because Im learning.

But dear reader, no matter how old you are, dont ever forget what used to be good. What used to break you down and keep you going. Always remember your roots but be careful not to live in them because life has a lot more to give. Remember the good times and also the bad times because we would never know the worth of such memories if not for all the bad. So be grateful for everything. Cuz you’ll never know what can happen next 😉

Black and White and Everything in Between

Any second now…I’d go jump off a roof. Not because I believe I can fly, but because I believe they’d catch me. 

I’ve been told that the world is a chaos of wonder. But little did I know how much different words are from actual experience. 

Once upon a time, there was a damsel who believed the world was dark and twisted and bad. She believed that on the days when the  songs never seem to end and the sun never seem to set and the laughter never seem to fade, she’d see the war ships coming to shore to balance all the good with bad.

Once upon a time she believed that the edge of the cliff meant death. And that the six impossible things before breakfast remained impossible. And that the world is constant and that change is too permanent to attempt. And that the monsters under her bed would hunt her even in her dreams.

She believed so much in the negativity of the cosmos that nothing seemed beautiful to her. Until she met the people who came with umbrellas.

And so her life change from the moment she met them- a girl of wisdom, tall and witty, who stood up for so many things and never let anyone tell her otherwise…a fair maiden with her signature mole, who did not go a day without a joke in her pocket.. the damsel of brown and beauty that never forgot one story she told..she showed her the value of friendship and memories made. As for the three boys who came in with the slightest pinch of swag, she learned from them that FRIENDSHIP is so beautiful..that there is a bond that exists within them…that she would never have to walk to the gates at night alone…that LOVE is also beautiful..and that her tears will soon fade…the three scarfed knights were his companions through all the sadness and happiness of this roller coaster we live in. 

Soon enough she realized that life isn’t only black and white..its also everything in between.

I’m sixteen, but if I should have a daughter..

..then maybe the first thing I’ll ever teach her is how to wish upon a shooting star..because there is nothing more beautiful than the spark of hope on such young eyes. I’ll hold her tiny little hands as we walk through the beach, watching the sun set into oblivion. But most importantly I’ll let her believe that in this world are fairy tales that one can live. 

I will tell her the tales of the monsters that hide in her closet and the mermaids that live in a kingdom deep within the heart of the ocean..I will tell her everyday the tale of a courageous knight who saved a lonely damsel from a troll in their school. Because what is life without a touch of magic and adventure. 

Reader, I will let her find her way up the clouds and let her fly and fall and stumble. Because she will grow up and she will see the never-ending possibilities my mother never showed me. She will metamorphose into a butterfly full of wonders and in her palms she will carry a piece of life’s pain. 

Because Darling, life is a battlefield. You will grow up to be a warrior. You will look for your own path– and on your way, you’ll make mistakes. You can never go through life without making mistakes. But baby, treasure those moments of complete regret and utter chaos. Because those are the very lessons that will keep you going. And if you feel like crying, then I’d bring you some chocolates..because even chocolates can defeat bad-ass dementors. I’ll always keep the door open, and I’ll bake cookies in case Santa Claus comes over and checks if you’ve been naughty or good. 

Life is beautiful.. but if doubt is clouding your days, then come and sit on my lap and I’ll sing to you the song of the meadows.

Dear, fall in love. But also watch over yourself because you are a gift that could easily be messed around with. Go look for the right man but also know that life isn’t a desperate search for HIM. Enjoy your days as much as you can because youth isn’t forever.

Dear reader, (mostly to parents),  I am a sixteen year-old and all my life I have been surrounded with expectations, rules and limitations. The more my parents tried to force me to become who they wanted me to be, the more I wanted to stray away from them. Dear parents, we teenagers become rebellious sometimes because we want to make a statement, sometimes because we don’t like the chains that has been choking us.. times have changed. Your era is different from ours. At least understand that there is no manual for life.. We make mistakes, we get in trouble, but also remember, WE LEARN.

So dear hypothetical daughter of mine, on the days I’ll be sitting on my rocking chair with wrinkles from all the times I have worried about life and with my back bowed down by the centuries of burden and my hair  white from all the lessons I’ve learned, I’ll be wearing a smile..one that reflects all the memories I’ve gained. On the days each minute becomes my last, spending my time knitting some mittens for my grandchildren, tell me all the great stories of life. Tell me how you flew across the universe. And tell me, how you found your star. 

Stuff I Miss About You

Note: these are simply stories in my mind. some hypothetical..some real. judge if you must.

Dear person I used to love,

I have loved you too much for far too long that it’s impossible for me not to miss some fragments of you that used to be a daily routine for me to see. You have just left too much of yourself that I sometimes find it difficult to remember what my life used to be before you came. But here are some stuff that I guess I used to love that now I miss…

1. Your cats. I really hate cats. But the image of you with them is just so cute. Really. It is. The way you just cup them in your hands and play with them. Especially when they sneak in your room while were all cuddled up. It’s as if they miss you and they hate me for taking you away. But now, dear cats, no need to worry about me. I am gone and he is yours.

2. Your voice on the phone. Deep but assuring. Rusty but still caring. All the late night calls, I miss. Even the times when you wake me up so early in the morning just to hear my voice. But I can’t remember your voice anymore. I guess it’s just not for me.

3. Hugs from behind. So tight, sometimes a little too much. But it’s always the hugs the kept me coming back. The way you create such warmth feel so heaven-like is beautiful. I miss them. But I don’t need them. I’ve had better ones..gentle ones that didn’t crave for lust.

4. Waking up beside you. So far, it’s the best memory of you…of US. We were fighting and I was so tired, I slept on your bed. And when I woke up… pillows under my head, a blanket over my body..and by my side is YOU. It was the best feeling.. waking up and knowing that I will still love you no matter what happens. But that was before.

Sometimes, I wonder if you stare into the stars too..and think about all those things you miss about me. I do that sometimes. I remember..then I smile because I have no regrets. Thank you.

The People Worth Writing For.

“I love you as the person I’m willing to write about. And if you don’t know what that means..well you should know that I love to write and I only write about the things I can’t get out of my mind..And in this case its YOU.”

Dear reader, here are the people I believe are worth writing for.. people who have stuck with me until the very end…the artists who have broken the monotony of the blank canvass which was once me..the mechanics who have cranked up the rusted bolts and chains within me…the chameleons who became my mother, sister, brother, friend, lover, doctor, lawyer, and companion.

Athena, Melizza.

To the both of you who have been the Harry Potter and Ron Weasley of my story, I thank you. For all the times I failed to control the outburst of stupidity in me, you were the patient menders that picked up the pieces and built a Lego house. The two of you have been the best of friends that hears the voice within the deafening silence of me..one smile is just a curve of the lips but to you it is a gesture of a thousand words. I love you both!

Mark, Andehl, Ieoh.

No doubt, my life would be plain and dull without the three of you. No words can ever express my gratitude for all those times you waited for me and for all those times you tolerated my childish behavior and for all those times you brought laughter and joy to my world. You have kept me smiling through all the darkness life brings. Like Albus Dumbledore, you have brought me my sanity by bringing clarity back into the cosmos. I thank you, little brothers (even if you are all older than me :>)

Dyan Visitacion.

You are the Severus Snape of my story..(no, she doesn’t get killed by a snake. And no, her hair is actually nice.) I always thought we were enemies in everything..but you were always there to protect me even if I don’t often see it. I thank you for everything. Our friendship has gone through far beyond what the universe offers…We are both growing up.. And we should be proud of that. In all the acts of immaturity, I know we will always be there for each other.

Yza Alcid.

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. I will never forget all those years of childishness and trouble and mischief and sisterhood. But I guess you have triggered something with in me- a fear that I will carry out as a lesson. I am not afraid of meeting new people but now I am afraid of meeting the wrong ones. I hope the best for you and your future.

Precious Duque.

It’s strange how the universe conspired for us to hate each other for 3 straight years and magically out of nowhere decide to forge a link of friendship between us. I will always remember our random talks and fun-filled fodtrips and all those notebooks we destoryed with our fast and illegible scribbles that contains what our subconsious thinks of. If stupidity is viral, I would blame you. And if idiocy is lethal then we would be both dead by now. But that’s what friends are for: we support each other through all the ups and downs.

Marquis Balai.

You were once my perfect shade of blue skies. But the universe hates perfection. Like Robin of How I Met Your Mother, you are the person I have loved so differently that my love for you will no longer exist for anyone else. You are the Robin of my story- one who have shown me the beauty in falling…but one who will never be able to catch me. Thank you for everything. I am glad to be your friend, always.

Rica Abella.

You are everywhere most of the time but you always manage to keep up with time and find yourself right beside me whenever my eyes burst into tsunami waves. Though we are of the same age, you speak of such old language and wisdom. For all those times you have made me stronger, I thank you. For all those pats in the back and all those hugs, I will never forget you. You are the Katniss as I am Prim. You are an inspiration.

 

Jomari Lucero.

Life offers me the best gurus who have gone through all the worst possible case scenarios. Someone who has done stupider things than me. In this case, the universe conspired for us to meet and for you to inflict within me the hard lessons that you have learned in your own ways. I will grow up..soon. I promis…but that would be what an immature kid would say. So instead of a promise, I offer you my gratitude- proof that I have listened to you and shared in the pain the world brings. I thank you for being a part of my life.

 

Janus Pacis

For being YOU.

The ‘sky’ fell and I fell with it.

Let me make this simple. 

He cupped my face with both hands. I am at bliss. 

He stared into my eyes. My soul is lost.

Instead of a goodbye, he said the words “Don’t ever forget me.” And all the pieces of me shifted in a way that all the cracks seem to be filled with the sureness of his voice. 

Then he held my hand. And I felt the gush of a million feelings all at once.

Dear reader, what words could describe the courage and stupidity of a person who would challenge distance and test time only to prove that his “forever” is as real as the universe is infinite? Though he is not my galaxy, I believe he is my meteor who gave up his throne in the beautiful abode of heavenly bodies and fell to the earth only to crash and burn and see me smile. 

Like the perfect sunset, he comes so slow but leaves so fast…but you know that everyday he will come back, even if the skies get rough, he will never disappoint the damsel sitting by the water waiting for a touch of magic. 

Dear reader, no winter can ever let me forget his warmth. And no infinity can ever let me forget our forever. 

Dear love, I will not forget you. 

You crashed right after I fell.

You left me a note with three words.

Look at me.

On the piano where we first played together in an endless duet and where we sang songs of glee and wonder, I saw the pink paper all folded up into a paper crane..and inside was your penmanship- not so clear but still manageable for eyes that has seen nothing but tears lately.

It was my birthday- the same day your plane left for London. And in the paper, you wrote the words “I love you.”

Please, listen to me. Don’t just stare and roll your eyes.

For 2 years, we were the best of friends and you left like nothing mattered. As if the days we spent making distorted sand castles by the beach didn’t matter…or as if the days when we separated ourselves from the world as if creating walls and barriers from all the negativity of the cosmos and start our own  galaxy of oddity just went off with the wind. We used to talk as if we lived down the rabbit hole- where everything was for US. You and me..just the two of us- best friends.

Why are you frowning?

Of course I never thought of you loving me as more than just friends. And I never had the time to think about it. You left so quick and the note was so late and everything happened in the wrong time. But I never got to say what I felt and I guess now It doesn’t matter anymore. Not after the crash. Not after you died.

In my head is the image of you- the way you refused to look at me when you say something nice about my hair or my dress or my eyes(you always say something nice about me)..or the way you look up the stars at night and pretend you’re ignoring everything I said because you love seeing me frustrated in a goofy manner..the way you frown when you get confused then smile when I smile at you.

I never thought I would be sitting alone in my room still looking at ink upon a piece of paper containing unspoken words. I’m alone now and the rabbit hole I guess is now a graveyard filled with your presence- our memories…our tragedy.

If this was a movie.

I believe that destiny is flawed in its own way. I mean if life was a movie, then he’d be here by now and the ending would be beautiful. We’d have 3 kids and live in a tiny house, all cuddled up in one couch watching a volleyball game, arguing over which team was better while the smell of popcorn and diet soda fills the blissful atmosphere of the whole living room.

I’ve thought of getting married once with a real wedding- all the white gown and flowers and altar and vows. But today, I just feel like rewriting the past, wishing that the tragedy between stars that crossed never happened. But it’s funny how we can never go back and change the details, we can only relive them in our memories, maybe cry or laugh at them.  Maybe think of the words we should have said and take back the words we actually said.

Dear ‘friend’

If our story was a movie, then I wouldn’t have left you alone to cry. I would’ve hugged you and kissed you and stayed with you for more decades to come. But if I did that then I would be living a lie right now…pretending I’m not hurt or pretending I’m okay with the past 2 years of  not being able to feel loved. If I stayed, then I would have never met him- the right one or the other one.

If this was a movie, then I wouldn’t know how good it feels like to have my hand be held by someone else..or to have my head rest on someone else’s shoulder. If this was a movie, then I wouldn’t know pain and the I wouldn’t realize the value of friendship.

I guess there is a reason for the fault in our stars…I guess it is for us to find the better galaxy we belong in.

Dear ‘friend’, I miss you. But more than that, I thank you. Because right now, we are a million light years away..still searching for the missing pieces. And on our way, I know we will find the right one. And maybe someday we’ll know why I wasn’t meant for you.