Words amidst the sleepless nights

Journal entry #18

This is a small portion of a 4-month journal i wrote in 3 days which involved a chaotic war with sleep. (Casualties totaled to an ocean of coffee and the murder of a fraction of my sanity):

i have come across this post in facebook that goes:

“What is the saddest word in English?”

Almost.

“Why?”

I was almost good enough for her. She was almost inlove with me. We almost made it

Its a sad word, i admit. It means being so close to something, but never being good enough to actually reach it.

But still, im glad this word existed.

Why?

I ALMOST died killed myself.
I ALMOST gave up.

It’s been months but I’m still broken.

If it was a random person who did it, I wouldn’t really care. But it was you- my friend. Before, you were my star, my companion, my best-est friend. You were many things to me but now…to me you are the person who broke me.

You and your charms, you deceived me.

You and your enticing stares.

You and your soft whispers, your infinite embrace, your heavenly kiss, your gentle touch. Everything about you screams the ghost of me still haunting every fiber, every cell and every ounce of my being with all the rainbows of yesterday.

It’s been months since you broke me.

But I’m still broken. I’m still lost.

My hand are still bleeding from young love’s fragility.

It is as if you are a drop of tear in the ocean. I lost you. And now I can’t find you. I can’t find anything to fill up the wounds you left. Nothing seems to ever be the universe you were to me.

My head’s been spinning like I’ve been traveling through worm wholes every night. It’s always a different nightmare. But I always wake up to this reality: you are never coming back.

No matter how much I try to fall back into sleep, I will never wake up to those days where you still loved me so much.

Someone, save me. Whoever you are. Please. Fix me.

The Love of a Gentleman

Friend: Why’d you leave her?

Guy: Because I love her.

Friend: I dont understand.

Guy:  Because you’ve never been the guy who loved a girl so much you’re willing to give up everything for her including your sanity.

Every night between all the paperwork and thesis and exams, I worry if the new guy she loves remembers to call her and say good night.

I worry if the new guy forgets to walk her home and warms her with hugs and interrupts her with light kisses and showers her with honest words.

I just cant bear the thought of her alone in the rain with no one to run to… I dont even want her to be unhappy.

She deserves someone who brings her ice cream when she’s on her monthly period, someone who’ll get to see the different sides of her being but still love her at the end of the day..someoone who drives her to Mcdo for midnight snacks or carries her books and sings her a lullaby.

Friend: How do you know she wants all those things?

Guy: Because I used to be the guy who does those things for her.

Friend: So what happened?

Guy: Love ran out of fight. Love left us. Love left me.

Cups of Life.

Note: Im kinda trying on different styles of writing so I hope I make sense with this piece 🙂

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(photo credits: abstract.desktopnexus.com)

Everyday is a different cup of coffee, some bitter, some sweet, some bland and some just right.

And day by day we keep on sipping and sipping and sipping, not really wanting to put down the mug. No.

Maybe because we kinda hope that the taste changes over time. We kinda keep trying and trying until we get the perfect blend of creaminess and sweetness and darkness. Yet once we get to the right mix, we cant stop drinking…and after some time, the taste of life changes again.

I guess sometimes the world wants to give us a Cappuccino or Latte or brewed coffee. Cuz it wouldnt feel good to keep drinking the same one every single day.

I guess nothing in this world is ever permanent. We get to the good parts and we get to the bad parts. But we never really stop moving with the world.

Thats why in the morning, not knowing what the coffee’s gonna taste like is life’s thrill itself. Unpredictable. Mysterious. An adventure. 😉

To the girl who thought she was ugly

You are not the monster they say you are. You are not a centerpiece of mediocrity nor some guy’s property…or even cupid’s lone victim. You are not a slave of the world’s criticisms.

You are so much more.

All your dreams, advocacy and passion- that’s who you really are!

You are the words you speak, the thoughts you think, the songs you sing. You are not what your horoscope defines you as..but you are the person who fathoms her own constellations.

You are the damsel not in distress. You are the glow of sunlight..an ocean of vast wonder…a fleeting kiss..a shooting star.. a beam of dancing auroras brighter than any fire those demons can spark.

You are as lovely as the fresh bloom of roses in spring…much more enchanting than the most perfect sunset at the beach.. much more inspiring than what they say you are.

You are not your past.

You are your choices.

You are human.

You are beautiful.

Another tragedy in the making

One day he sat behind me in class. He said good morning then smiled. And dear reader, I guess the reason I’m writing this is because I cant seem to get over his whole aura.

Last night I dreamt of him. And I woke up looking for his voice. The melody that somehow sucked out all the tragic rainbows and turned my sky into the perfect shade of blue.

And in class, I kept shriveling at his presence. It felt eerie- the type of mystery that I just cant figure out. It almost felt so surreal and dreadful and lonely and beautiful all at the same time.

I never felt this way before.

I dont know what it is but I think its another tragedy waiting to be written. Im afraid if I try to enjoy this feeling, a trauma is waiting for me to happen.

I should just stay away.

Sit at the back.

Be invisible.

But I cant seem to shake it off.

Oh dear reader, tell me, am I falling into another trap?

Maybe..

I wonder what my future husband is doing right at this very moment? Is he just sitting around the corner? Or maybe he’s in London, never expecting that the girl she will one day marry is sitting in her room, wondering about life beyond today. Maybe he’s in a bar right now.. drinking and cursing and smoking. I hope he’s reading the same books I love right now. Maybe he’s staring into someone’s eyes at this very second, lost in the wrong whirlpool of beauty. Or maybe he’s always been beside me… forever patient and caring.

But whoever you are.. dear future husband..

Take me to Disneyland.. where I’ll show you why being young is so beautiful. We will ride all the roller coasters, eat some pretzels, watch the fireworks and kiss under the castle. There, you’ll be my prince and I’ll be your princess and maybe we’ll write our own fairy tale…it doesn’t have to be a perfect one..YOU just have to be in it.

Stay up with me all night.. I want to watch the stars and fall asleep in your arms and love you more each morning I wake up. But don’t ever leave me in the middle of the night..I’d rather not wake up at all than to not see you when I open my eyes.

Cook me breakfast..and lunch..and dinner. Dear love, I don’t know how to cook and I would  marry a chef ..only if that chef is YOU. Better yet, let’s go to McDonald’s at 6 a.m. in our pajamas. Then we’ll walk by the beach and you’ll tell me chapter 1 of how we met.

Paris is every girl’s dream. But for me, being locked within your arms is already a dream come true. I’d drown in your eyes and still fall deeper everyday.

So whoever you are…I’ll find you. One day, I’ll find you and you will be perfect.

An Evanescence of Blood.

Our love is a slowly dying sunset.. an evanescence of blood spilling down over the horizon where the sky falls for the earth and the clouds fly for miles. 

But soon enough… after some time, our love will rise again to put an end into the pitiful darkness that swallows our worlds. And that love that we have is the one so true that we would endure the ache of our hearts, in hopes that we will wake up to one morning where our souls shall bleed no more.

My wingless sparrow.

Why do I feel like you’re flying around the world? You’re in London, Rio, Moscow… You’re almost everywhere except here by my side where I need you.

Won’t you come and share warm cups of coffee with me? Let’s cuddle on the coach as the rain assures our confinement in the coziness of the room with the distance between us closed.our eyes locked together..my lips upon your lips. Baby,won’t you come and love me more each day? 

Promise.

Don’t say goodbye.. It’s not over yet. 

Were gonna build a bond so strong that no distance, not even light years, can vaporize. Baby, our love is gonna be so honest and true that not even time can screw us up. 

I love you. And this love will last until hell freezes over. Because I am yours and you are mine. And the universe will try to break us but only to make us stronger. I will take it all. 

I love you..