It’s been months but I’m still broken.

If it was a random person who did it, I wouldn’t really care. But it was you- my friend. Before, you were my star, my companion, my best-est friend. You were many things to me but now…to me you are the person who broke me.

You and your charms, you deceived me.

You and your enticing stares.

You and your soft whispers, your infinite embrace, your heavenly kiss, your gentle touch. Everything about you screams the ghost of me still haunting every fiber, every cell and every ounce of my being with all the rainbows of yesterday.

It’s been months since you broke me.

But I’m still broken. I’m still lost.

My hand are still bleeding from young love’s fragility.

It is as if you are a drop of tear in the ocean. I lost you. And now I can’t find you. I can’t find anything to fill up the wounds you left. Nothing seems to ever be the universe you were to me.

My head’s been spinning like I’ve been traveling through worm wholes every night. It’s always a different nightmare. But I always wake up to this reality: you are never coming back.

No matter how much I try to fall back into sleep, I will never wake up to those days where you still loved me so much.

Someone, save me. Whoever you are. Please. Fix me.

Another tragedy in the making

One day he sat behind me in class. He said good morning then smiled. And dear reader, I guess the reason I’m writing this is because I cant seem to get over his whole aura.

Last night I dreamt of him. And I woke up looking for his voice. The melody that somehow sucked out all the tragic rainbows and turned my sky into the perfect shade of blue.

And in class, I kept shriveling at his presence. It felt eerie- the type of mystery that I just cant figure out. It almost felt so surreal and dreadful and lonely and beautiful all at the same time.

I never felt this way before.

I dont know what it is but I think its another tragedy waiting to be written. Im afraid if I try to enjoy this feeling, a trauma is waiting for me to happen.

I should just stay away.

Sit at the back.

Be invisible.

But I cant seem to shake it off.

Oh dear reader, tell me, am I falling into another trap?

Maybe..

I wonder what my future husband is doing right at this very moment? Is he just sitting around the corner? Or maybe he’s in London, never expecting that the girl she will one day marry is sitting in her room, wondering about life beyond today. Maybe he’s in a bar right now.. drinking and cursing and smoking. I hope he’s reading the same books I love right now. Maybe he’s staring into someone’s eyes at this very second, lost in the wrong whirlpool of beauty. Or maybe he’s always been beside me… forever patient and caring.

But whoever you are.. dear future husband..

Take me to Disneyland.. where I’ll show you why being young is so beautiful. We will ride all the roller coasters, eat some pretzels, watch the fireworks and kiss under the castle. There, you’ll be my prince and I’ll be your princess and maybe we’ll write our own fairy tale…it doesn’t have to be a perfect one..YOU just have to be in it.

Stay up with me all night.. I want to watch the stars and fall asleep in your arms and love you more each morning I wake up. But don’t ever leave me in the middle of the night..I’d rather not wake up at all than to not see you when I open my eyes.

Cook me breakfast..and lunch..and dinner. Dear love, I don’t know how to cook and I would  marry a chef ..only if that chef is YOU. Better yet, let’s go to McDonald’s at 6 a.m. in our pajamas. Then we’ll walk by the beach and you’ll tell me chapter 1 of how we met.

Paris is every girl’s dream. But for me, being locked within your arms is already a dream come true. I’d drown in your eyes and still fall deeper everyday.

So whoever you are…I’ll find you. One day, I’ll find you and you will be perfect.

An Evanescence of Blood.

Our love is a slowly dying sunset.. an evanescence of blood spilling down over the horizon where the sky falls for the earth and the clouds fly for miles. 

But soon enough… after some time, our love will rise again to put an end into the pitiful darkness that swallows our worlds. And that love that we have is the one so true that we would endure the ache of our hearts, in hopes that we will wake up to one morning where our souls shall bleed no more.

My wingless sparrow.

Why do I feel like you’re flying around the world? You’re in London, Rio, Moscow… You’re almost everywhere except here by my side where I need you.

Won’t you come and share warm cups of coffee with me? Let’s cuddle on the coach as the rain assures our confinement in the coziness of the room with the distance between us closed.our eyes locked together..my lips upon your lips. Baby,won’t you come and love me more each day? 

Promise.

Don’t say goodbye.. It’s not over yet. 

Were gonna build a bond so strong that no distance, not even light years, can vaporize. Baby, our love is gonna be so honest and true that not even time can screw us up. 

I love you. And this love will last until hell freezes over. Because I am yours and you are mine. And the universe will try to break us but only to make us stronger. I will take it all. 

I love you..

The ‘sky’ fell and I fell with it.

Let me make this simple. 

He cupped my face with both hands. I am at bliss. 

He stared into my eyes. My soul is lost.

Instead of a goodbye, he said the words “Don’t ever forget me.” And all the pieces of me shifted in a way that all the cracks seem to be filled with the sureness of his voice. 

Then he held my hand. And I felt the gush of a million feelings all at once.

Dear reader, what words could describe the courage and stupidity of a person who would challenge distance and test time only to prove that his “forever” is as real as the universe is infinite? Though he is not my galaxy, I believe he is my meteor who gave up his throne in the beautiful abode of heavenly bodies and fell to the earth only to crash and burn and see me smile. 

Like the perfect sunset, he comes so slow but leaves so fast…but you know that everyday he will come back, even if the skies get rough, he will never disappoint the damsel sitting by the water waiting for a touch of magic. 

Dear reader, no winter can ever let me forget his warmth. And no infinity can ever let me forget our forever. 

Dear love, I will not forget you. 

We were infinite.

He came. He offered his hand. And in that moment, we danced under a trillion stars. Of course, I felt cloud nine as each word that escaped his mouth gave me undefinable gush of fantasy-like bliss. Yet in that moment, I felt different. As if amazed how one feeling can end the hopeless past and start another path for a beautiful tragedy. My mind, still with glitches from all the previous pain and hurt…eerie.

I felt the sparks yet my heart is not set. But who cares..we were young, confused, happy and inlove. Under the grandiose full moon, we were simply… infinite.

It’s 3:28 a.m. And the dullness of missing you is no longer dull.

I thought I stopped thinking about you. But I realized I was just used to the dull ache of hearing your voice over and over again..playing back our first and last dance..remembering our first and last kiss.. crying over our first and last goodbye. And the list of first and lasts go on..and my river of tears turns into an ocean of incurable misery. 

Let me lie to you again. 

I’m fine.

Love, that can only be a lie when I’m not alive in your dreams and in your heart. Come back, please. 

I’m happy for both of you.

I spent my sweet sixteen crying over both of you. Although it hurts, as if putting salt on a freshly cut wound, pain was my antidote. Because at least I know, everything was real. My first love was real. And every jolt of unexplained feelings I felt with you was real. It was all real…for me but not you.

I’m tired of lying

Of course not. If lying to you meant your happiness, then it would be my pleasure and affliction to lie until hell freezes over. 

But for once, let me tell you the truth. One that never became a lie nor a broken promise. 

I love you. 

With every ounce of my being, I know in my mind, I’m still inlove with our tragedy.

With the universe- the stars, the moon, the sun and every heavenly body staring upon me right now as my witness… I love you. 

Always..

It’s February 12, I’m sixteen now, but I’m not stronger, or wiser, not even more mature. But who cares? I love you and that is all.

Unspoken Words of Betrayal

Look at your best friend. She’s crying.

Look at her all crumpled up in a pitiful state against the tiles of the bathroom wall. Her eyes, still gentle and black..but look closer, its dark…as if the soul has been sucked out of it. Watch her cry, her cherry blossom lips bleeding from all the staggering words she’s been dying to tell you. Imagine all the hurt she is carrying now. 

With red on her cheeks, she smiles to you and says “I’m okay.”

She’s your bestfriend. And you’re sending clouds of rain above her once so perfect blue skies. She’s miserable. But you’re happy. So why sacrifice, right?

And so dear reader, I go on and watch her take what once was mine. And so I go on and write unspoken words. I never thought I was the damsel in distress. Well jokes on me now. 

Watch me. One day, I’ll defy gravity.