On the awkwardness of deafening silence

Remembering.

I never knew that coming home would be this hard. I left my hometown with excitement and anxiety of the world that existed outside this small community where my life revolved.

Seeing the arc bearing the sign “Welcome to Laoag City” made me remember how many million times I stared at those words and never imagined how much I’ll miss it.

And as I go on further, I remember all those moments- the beautiful sunsets, the endless stories, the fleeting kisses, the horrible storms, the four walls that witnessed all the cries and laughter of my existence.

The trees didn’t really grow. The river was dirty as always. And the streets were full of Ilocano-speaking people. But the ghost of me remains shattered. She remains broken.

She looked at me with anguish. She looked at me as if she was the damsel no one saved. She reminded me of the bitterness she had to go through in this wretched hallways.

Going back home…it’s hard. It’s like walking back to the mess you left and ran away from. That’s when I realize the sad truth that running away doesn’t end a problem. Remember the earth is a sphere, problems will always come hunting you back. Face it. Face it with all the courage you can muster.

Remember perseverance. Remember tenacity. Remember to conquer.

Dear Bestfriend.

I miss you.

I miss the pitter patter of rain perfectly blending with the sound of three mischievous laughter across the flagpole. I miss the tree we named the t(h)ree because it was the tree where the three of us hang out. I miss the songs we sing and I miss the letters we write to each other. And I miss the times we never really agree to wear the same clothes but we end up coincidentally smiling at each other, staring at the same shirt.

I miss watching Harry Potter movies with you because we always had different turfs and different pillows we held on to in my room. I miss the times we didn’t have awkward moments..times when we confessed the things we feel and the stuff we disliked about each other. That was friendship. It didn’t matter if we had fights, what mattered most was that it ended in laughter and music and a stronger bond of sisterhood.

It all ended when we loved the same person. And I wish I just let you be happy because now I feel guilty that I wasn’t the bestfriend I was supposed to be. And now we are miles away from each other. And I never had the chance to say sorry. 

I would write this in a paper, but I’m sure I wouldn’t have the guts to give it to you. 

So for all the times you felt alone, I’m sorry. And for the times I called you hurtful things, I’m sorry. Remember the time we wrote you a blind item entry, I’m sorry. Remember that time I yelled at you out of frustrations, I’m sorry. 

I don’t expect you to forgive me. And I don’t expect the awkwardness to disappear, but I just wish we could be bestfriends again. I wish you could miss me the way you miss your new friends. 

I hope you know that you will always be my “little” sister. 

😦

It is not sad. It is depressing.

My mind doesn’t tell me anything..only that it hurts. The feeling of being left by a friend- it is not sad. It is depressing.

I am frowning with all the frustration my eyebrows can arc. And the confusion inside my mind programs me to throw anything within arm’s reach. I feel like a child. I wish I were a child. Just so I wouldn’t have to deal with all this drama. Should I tell you, a random person..one in a billion of the human population, my story?

Why the hell not?

I mean, isn’t that why I write..to tell a story.

So it all began simple. I went through a break up and my BEST FRIEND so gratefully did me a favor by comforting the person who made my heart commit suicide.  Now his heart is fixed and mended and ready to beat to the tune of another sappy love song… And so now my best friend goes frolicking through the meadows into the sunset and into the pages of happily ever after with him, leaving her old family that stuck with her through all the ups and downs of high school’s roller coaster watching by at the sidelines.

We’ve talked once..twice..thrice..four times., but sadly, there is no such thing as talking her into some sense because she is madly in love and she forgot everyone behind the smile she carries today.

But dear reader, tell me…was she really my best friend? Tell me, am I the one at fault’s line? She was supposed to be my best friend. Four years of sisterhood and childishness and memories and mischief and trouble-making, all ending just because of one guy.

Dear reader, help me. Help me restore my faith in humanity.

Unspoken Words of Betrayal

Look at your best friend. She’s crying.

Look at her all crumpled up in a pitiful state against the tiles of the bathroom wall. Her eyes, still gentle and black..but look closer, its dark…as if the soul has been sucked out of it. Watch her cry, her cherry blossom lips bleeding from all the staggering words she’s been dying to tell you. Imagine all the hurt she is carrying now. 

With red on her cheeks, she smiles to you and says “I’m okay.”

She’s your bestfriend. And you’re sending clouds of rain above her once so perfect blue skies. She’s miserable. But you’re happy. So why sacrifice, right?

And so dear reader, I go on and watch her take what once was mine. And so I go on and write unspoken words. I never thought I was the damsel in distress. Well jokes on me now. 

Watch me. One day, I’ll defy gravity.