Make it stop

I awake to the mistakes that haunt me in my sleep. All the screwed-up do overs hold me hostage in bed as I clench the blankets close. I think, if I could suffocate myself in this darkness and never wake up, I’d thank the universe for the free pass.

I have never gotten a free pass on missing you. I had to savor the senseless ache of my of this cosmic joke that is me. I wish I could let you go. You are, after all, just a distant history. A vivid wish. A senseless longing for attention, an aching desperation for touch.

I have known all too well this kind of pain. The type that aches slowly, rises and falls, hits you again just when you think it’s gone.

I stop and look back, was it worth it?

Forgetting

You can forget his face… his kisses, the memories, all the hand holds

You can forget every single thing that made you fall for him

But you will never forget the feeling of being left

And that’s why a break-up hurts.

Looking for happiness

Dear love, if the moon caught on fire tonight, would you fly to outer space and rescue me? Or would you sit idly by and watch the explosion of red and orange through the darkness of the universe as you hold her hand… Of course, you’d choose her. She IS your happiness, right?

Me: Wow, you look beautiful today.. is there an occasion?

Friend: No, it’s just that I’m trying to win.

Me: Win what?

Friend: The whole break-up, Duh!

Me: Is there even such a thing as winning the break-up?

Friend: Of course! And I figured ..to win the break-up I should be hotter than the girl my ex is dating right now. So I win! 

Dear reader, why do some people find pleasure in the sufferings of another? Why must one laugh at the pain of his companion and enemy? Why is everyone so busy trying to win everything, when they can enjoy the happiness life offers.

I don’t think that there is a game that must be one between lovers..I think what matters after a break-up is the real reason behind the break-up. I mean, in the first place, why was separation necessary? And now that it happened, do you feel happy? Because that’s the goal right? We tend to stay away from the people we love to pursue something we all want to achieve which is HAPPINESS. Because if the person is already our happiness then why would we want to be away from them.. 

Trying to compete with someone who is not even against you is just ridiculous. Sometimes, breakups are frustrating..I know, I’ve been there..done that. And sometimes the heart does not break even which leaves one vulnerable. But I think what’s important after a break-up is understanding why it happened and turning all the bitter pain into lessons for the next person we give our hearts to. 

Love is beautiful in many ways. Even break-ups are beautiful because one day we realize how much we grew out of these happenings and sure, we cry for sometime, but by the time we stand up and try again..we learn and stumble and fall and fly. 

Love is lovelier the nth time around.

Dear reader, do I even make sense right now?

I’m going through a break-up with high school.

With each step I take, a million memories in my mind start to compile into a movie that basically sums up my 4 years of being a high school student..strung into pictures of smiles and friendships as if stars being fathomed into constellations.

I realized, the alarm clocks that had been torturing me each morning, separating me from the warmness of my bed…the school works I had been cursing for the past few years.. the teachers I had been trying to get rid off.. the very things that made me cry are the very things I will miss the most.

Graduation is nearing. I feel like going through a break-up. A break-up with family. A break-up with Mariano Marcos State University.

The days are counting down as tears start to fall and as the pages of high school turns yellow.

Reader, I don’t think I’m strong enough to handle this break-up. I don’t think anyone is. But that just life..we’re never ready but it goes on anyway.

*sigh*