I forget things all the time. From birthdays to dorm keys. But with you, its like forgetting is not an option

Another tragedy in the making

One day he sat behind me in class. He said good morning then smiled. And dear reader, I guess the reason I’m writing this is because I cant seem to get over his whole aura.

Last night I dreamt of him. And I woke up looking for his voice. The melody that somehow sucked out all the tragic rainbows and turned my sky into the perfect shade of blue.

And in class, I kept shriveling at his presence. It felt eerie- the type of mystery that I just cant figure out. It almost felt so surreal and dreadful and lonely and beautiful all at the same time.

I never felt this way before.

I dont know what it is but I think its another tragedy waiting to be written. Im afraid if I try to enjoy this feeling, a trauma is waiting for me to happen.

I should just stay away.

Sit at the back.

Be invisible.

But I cant seem to shake it off.

Oh dear reader, tell me, am I falling into another trap?

Looking for happiness

Dear love, if the moon caught on fire tonight, would you fly to outer space and rescue me? Or would you sit idly by and watch the explosion of red and orange through the darkness of the universe as you hold her hand… Of course, you’d choose her. She IS your happiness, right?

Me: Wow, you look beautiful today.. is there an occasion?

Friend: No, it’s just that I’m trying to win.

Me: Win what?

Friend: The whole break-up, Duh!

Me: Is there even such a thing as winning the break-up?

Friend: Of course! And I figured ..to win the break-up I should be hotter than the girl my ex is dating right now. So I win! 

Dear reader, why do some people find pleasure in the sufferings of another? Why must one laugh at the pain of his companion and enemy? Why is everyone so busy trying to win everything, when they can enjoy the happiness life offers.

I don’t think that there is a game that must be one between lovers..I think what matters after a break-up is the real reason behind the break-up. I mean, in the first place, why was separation necessary? And now that it happened, do you feel happy? Because that’s the goal right? We tend to stay away from the people we love to pursue something we all want to achieve which is HAPPINESS. Because if the person is already our happiness then why would we want to be away from them.. 

Trying to compete with someone who is not even against you is just ridiculous. Sometimes, breakups are frustrating..I know, I’ve been there..done that. And sometimes the heart does not break even which leaves one vulnerable. But I think what’s important after a break-up is understanding why it happened and turning all the bitter pain into lessons for the next person we give our hearts to. 

Love is beautiful in many ways. Even break-ups are beautiful because one day we realize how much we grew out of these happenings and sure, we cry for sometime, but by the time we stand up and try again..we learn and stumble and fall and fly. 

Love is lovelier the nth time around.

Dear reader, do I even make sense right now?

It is not sad. It is depressing.

My mind doesn’t tell me anything..only that it hurts. The feeling of being left by a friend- it is not sad. It is depressing.

I am frowning with all the frustration my eyebrows can arc. And the confusion inside my mind programs me to throw anything within arm’s reach. I feel like a child. I wish I were a child. Just so I wouldn’t have to deal with all this drama. Should I tell you, a random person..one in a billion of the human population, my story?

Why the hell not?

I mean, isn’t that why I write..to tell a story.

So it all began simple. I went through a break up and my BEST FRIEND so gratefully did me a favor by comforting the person who made my heart commit suicide.  Now his heart is fixed and mended and ready to beat to the tune of another sappy love song… And so now my best friend goes frolicking through the meadows into the sunset and into the pages of happily ever after with him, leaving her old family that stuck with her through all the ups and downs of high school’s roller coaster watching by at the sidelines.

We’ve talked once..twice..thrice..four times., but sadly, there is no such thing as talking her into some sense because she is madly in love and she forgot everyone behind the smile she carries today.

But dear reader, tell me…was she really my best friend? Tell me, am I the one at fault’s line? She was supposed to be my best friend. Four years of sisterhood and childishness and memories and mischief and trouble-making, all ending just because of one guy.

Dear reader, help me. Help me restore my faith in humanity.

I’m not afraid

The universe tends to reveal us. It ignites something within us. It keeps dragging us back down so that each time we get up, our true selves reveal and we discover more of the mysteries we hold inside.

So the damsel who was once so in love with the idea of utopia fell in the bottomless pits of frustration and anger. She thought the universe punished those who did wrong while the good bathe in riches. She thought the church was a hall for the famous and nice. She thought weddings carried the most truthful and passionate bonds of love in the entire world.

She was wrong.

Once upon a time, she walked in the footsteps of good and nothing but good. Never lied and never cheated. Look where that got her. She was lied to. She was cheated on. Lastly, she was trampled because she moved so slow in the race of life.

She got back up. Still blind. Still believing. She went to Sunday masses and looked disgusted when she saw beggars at the gate of the building. It was then when the universe taught her that the church is not a hall of fame for people like her. Instead, it was a hospital for souls that need to be forged again. And Jesus is the best blacksmith in town.

And when her loved one left her, she realized that the real test of love does not happen during a wedding but maybe on an airport where the promise must hold true even if distance stretches out to a million miles.

Shattered and bitter.

Once upon a time, the damsel who believed so much in the existence of fairness and balance on the world, learned that life is simply life. It does what it feels. One will fly and fall. But for a reason- so that one day when life decides to come back with more pain…one can say “I’m not afraid.”

Keep flying even if falling hurts.

There is always something wrong. I try so hard to be a someone that I often forget who I really am. I tried to be timid because they said he likes mysterious girls. One day, I stopped wearing my glasses because they said he hated any type of distraction when he stares into someone’s eyes. I started wearing my hair in a ponytail because they said he hated bushy hair. I wore my bag on one shoulder because they said it looked cool and they said he liked cool girls. I became insecure with my laugh because I thought he wouldn’t like it.

So I watched him paint his own blue skies while I fall into the shadow of other people. It’s almost as if he created this map of life and knows how to navigate through it while I stumble across every road block with maximum casualty.

One day we were lab partners. He smiled and I smiled-the creepy type because my whole face was twitching not knowing what to say or do. I remember ‘them’ saying that he loved talking about music. So I tried.

“Uhmmm so you like Justin Bieber?”

Stupid! Why the hell did I ask that!

He chuckled. He was so cute.

“No but I like A Rocket to the Moon.”

“Yeah, me too!”

“Really? Which song do you like the most.”

-____- Didn’t see that coming.

“Uhmmm I think were supposed to get started.” Laugh..’They’ said he could fall in love with just the girl’s laugh.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

He stared. Awkward.

‘They’ said he liked it when a girl blinks and her eyes catches the light.

“Can you pass me the test tube, please?” Blink.

“Here you go.” Blink.

“Thanks.” Blink Blink Blink

He arched his eyebrows. Blink. Blink.

“Is there something wrong with your eyes?”

“Uh..nothing.” I blushed. He laughed. I laughed. And he smiled. I almost collapsed.

Being with him was just beautiful. Sometimes when our hands touch, I feel supernovas inside of me exploding in staccato bursts of heaven-like ecstasy. Sometimes, out of the corner of my eye, I feel him gazing at me with his baby blue eyes. And I realized, it was natural. The moment I stopped listening to what others said, everything came so natural. As if we’ve known each other for years. And I could feel him feeling the same way.

Sometimes I would catch a wink from him. He didn’t ignore me like he used to. I was finally noticed. He even compliments me on my hair even if I know how bushy it looks even with a rubber band tying it to a pony tail.

My favorite part of him is when he laughs and I laugh and sparks fly. And no one gives a damn.

When prom came, I waited for him. Like how I waited for him during chemistry. Everyday I miss the way he smells, the way he sits down on the chair beside me and how his voice sounds deep but so assuring. And at last I saw him.

In the most gorgeous tux, with his hair sleeked back in an elegant masterpiece and his lips so majestic with a million-dollar smile. And his eyes, blue as always but this time more mesmerizing..just beautiful. And his hands…oh his hands….I cried. His hands locked with another’s hand. Their fingers interlaced tight enough that it made my heart drop.

I cried. And he never saw me since. That day I wished I could fly to the moon…with a rocket.

A rocket to the moon.

Failures and Frustrations

Failure is when your parents laugh at you for passing in UP Baguio and not UP Diliman.

Failure is when you try to hold back tears in front of the dinner table while your family looks at you in disappointment.

Failure is when none of your efforts are ever enough. 

Frustration is when you write this in your blog looking for someone who understands.