Almost

We we’re scrambling for words, building sentences from apologies. How many ways are there to say sorry. What other phrases can we stitch up before we end with goodbye?

We held on to that phone call like it was the only thing keeping our fragile little door from being locked. And as we sat there in silence, our vast oasis of vocabulary all dried up, I cannot begin to fathom how many long nights I’ll spend thinking how we could have had it differently. Maybe we could have tried. And even if we would inevitably fail, I’d like one last car ride home. No arguments, no stupid petty fights. And maybe then, I’d lock in that memory and wash out all the bad ones, just remember you in that one fleeting moment of bliss.

Stuff I learned the hard way

A heartbreak is a magnifying glass. It kinda magnifies the things in life that you thought were just dull daily routines. When you feel the pain of a heartbreak, a simple “hello” from a random classmate becomes a tear-jerking moment wherein you feel loved; even a slight curve of the lips from your best friend becomes the mightiest assurance that you are not alone. 

I’ve gone through severe, life-shattering heartbreaks. And I’m thankful because I learned alot. 

On those times where your face becomes a blob of tears and redness, you kinda see the people who are willing to do anything to put a smile back on your face. They crack jokes, buy you food, hang out with you and hold your hand when they know the tears are coming. True friends will always be there. It’s that simple. No need for fancy words.

Though friends will keep you company during heartbreaks, time will screw you up. They say time is relative. And that in these days of misery, time kinda slows down. Watching my ex and my bestfriend together felt like forever. Watching them dance under a trillion stars became the longest hour for me. As if the whole universe stopped moving, as if it sent down all the stars and bottled them up into beautiful constellations, as if the whole earth stopped rotating..but they kept dancing and I kept staring…and my heart- it kept breaking. 

Time was an evil bitch. But time woke me up from my fairytale dream. It brought me to reality. 

Losing someone was like losing a part of me. It was like losing my left hand. It gave me the reality that I can never be the same person ever again. If I lost my left hand, I could never play the piano normally, I could never cook properly (not that I know how to cook), I could never grasp anything normally. Everything would never be the same.

When I lost him, I realize I could never rant to anyone ever again whenever I have my monthly period. I could never have anyone like him. No one to cry to  or run to or write to. 

I kinda forgot how to live normally again. All I knew before, was that I was inlove and that was it. Now, I’m trying to find myself again but I’m afraid I’m losing myself in the process. 

Who am I?

I was sure I had the option of becoming a housewife back when I was with him. I was sure I planned my own wedding in my head everynight. I was sure I figured out everything. But then nothing is ever permanent. 

Those were dreams. Dreams I thought could happen. But  for now, life told me I can’t have that. Those dreams probably belong to someone else now. 

But that doesnt mean I can’t have new ones. 

And again, a heartbreak magnified my whole existence. It was then that I realized, I was young and stupid. And that opportunities were still waiting for me. I could become a doctor and look back and tell myself what I know now. 

I was so sure it was him. 

And I was wrong. 

Love was wrong. 

But we are humans. And we make mistakes. And mistakes create scars.

But scars create lessons. And lessons create legends. 

Dear person I used to love, the scar you gave me… Its my favorite scar now 🙂

Behind the clouds..

Dear reader, if you are reading this..then give yourself a pat in the back. 

Whether your caught in the middle of a love triangle, or currently belong to a shitty family tree, or in the process of watching your dreams crumble into falling debris of wasted efforts, its okay. Youll get through because one thing Ive learned is that when life dumps upon you a massive rainfall of depression, and pain and dullness and more pain and hurt and remorse and more pain and sadness and aloneness and mostly more pain, you need to remember that this isnt the first time life did this to you. 

How old are you? Look back and remember all those traumas, heartbreaks, diseases that said youre gonna die and never succeed in your ambitions… dear reader, if you are reading this, then youve survived all of those stuff. You are invincible, remember that. And dont let life tell you otherwise.

Behind the clouds are beautiful things- airplanes, parachutes, air balloons, helicopters, and most specially sunlight.. but youll never get to the good stuff if you cant get up each morning and take the risk of staring out into the window and greeting the day a good morning. 

Smile, dear reader, because you are awesome.