The universe just placed us there- in that place, at that exact time.

The rest, was us.

Words stolen

I have not written much

Months have passed as the writer in me withers away, silenced under all the time spent back bent into question marks. It has been the most tiring mornings to wake up to.

I have not written anything in months.

Medical school has stolen the time I would savor to think of words. Now words are how much time I can afford to think. My vocabulary has since been replaced.

Before, I write about the aching pain in my chest- the unfathomable mass evolving inside, pushing against my rib cage, slowly but so surely..any minute now, I wait..for it to consume me. It only does so slowly.

Now i write about the heart and its cardiac output. We do not talk of whirlwinds inside the thoracic cage, instead we talk of stroke volumes and afterloads- pressures the heart has to overcome to pump blood. And no, we are not talking of the way he puts pressure on your heart with the way he looks at you amidst a crowd of beautiful things. Not the way he makes your heart skip a beat when he walks towards you in gentle steps, taking his time, taking the universe’s awe with each step. No. We talk about tricuspid stenosis. We talk about arterial plaques, the possibilities of embolisms, myocardial infarctions. Death.

We talk of death in anatomy. Not the way time ticks so fast with life and yet freezes at the moment of death. Not the way we write about it in suicide notes- impulsive, indecisive, incomprehensible. Instead, we dissect death. Talk about the likeliest bone to be fractured when you jump off a 10 storey building. We do not talk of the life escaping from your last breath. No. We study rigor mortis. The biochemical basis of how your body stiffens after death. The muscles refusing to relax, until lactic acid sweeps away the myosin from its cross bridge.

We talk of health in numbers. The amount of protein in the diet. The blood count. The tidal volume not the tidal waves of wrong decisions hitting you straight in the face the morning you wake up. The oxygen dissociation curve. Not like the linear pattern of how we equate our worth with number of failures.

Here we do not have time to celebrate the wins. We fixate on the failures. Think again and again. Why. How. What else.

How many more hours to sacrifice. How many more birthdays, weddings, do we need to miss to get things right. What words we need to know. What parts of us we need to shut off. What pain we have to accept.

We have to get it right. More than words we have to get it right. A life depends on it.

Beside you

Even if I could be anywhere in this world

Still I’d choose your bedside

Where I’ve found mornings 

Worth waking up to

What are your reasons to live?

Pour your soul into my hands and I’ll make a heart shape out of it.

“I’m scared I might just be a box to tick off your to-do list.”

Dear, you’re more than just a goal. You’re a journey I want to take.

(photo credit: http://fabiandelcaos.tumblr.com/)

Living through lifetimes

We should value stories more than any jewel in this world…because it is through random stories, shared with a cup of tea or a bottle of beer at some random alley or some bar down the street, that we make pieces of our lives outlive us.

I believe we die twice. First is when our heart gives up beating and the next is when the last person in the world who knows us dies.

Nothing in this world of madness lasts forever; which means all our trophies and achievements will one day vanish along with our favorite places, our favorite seasons. All that will ever be left is a memory. A memory of a girl who once loved to write so much she bled her soul through pen…A memory of the soldier who died in combat against terrorists..A memory of a mother, who once was a daughter catching snowflakes, watching them melt..A memory of so many first kisses, so many goodbyes, so many hellos.

This is reality. We cannot preserve so much of us for time to carry to infinity. What we can do is to tell and listen to as many stories as we can. This way, we give parts of ourselves at the same time receive parts of someone else.

So when we die, our lives will not be measured by the years we live but by the infinite stories we have lived to share.

Love. Chances. Deception.

“Maybe love stays
Maybe love can’t
Maybe love shouldn’t”
-Sarah Kay

Maybe I spent too much time watching the stars that I forgot the beauty of sunrise. Maybe I was too busy avoiding the edge of the cliff that I forgot to save myself from jumping.

Maybe I held my chances too long that I let it slip out of my fingers.

That’s the funny thing about chances..you think you have so many but when the doors start to close, you scramble to leave everything behind and fit to the tiny space the door left open. You’re just hurting yourself.

Dear, listen. The door doesnt want you anymore. No matter how much you squeeze your soul into it, its not for you. And you have to accept that. Stop trying to punish yourself. Instead, leave.

Go back and start picking up the pieces to the lego house you built.

And maybe you think that door is gonna open anytime. So you watch it. It taunts you, but you stare at it anyway.

Sometimes, it does open.

But most of the time it doesn’t.

Thats when pain takes over. That when frustration slaps you hard in the face. Thats when every fiber of you breaks down. That’s when you feel empty..lost..gone.

Because all you ever wanted was the chance you couldve had in that door. But you only realized that when it closed.

Its just deception playing with you. Its anchoring you down, its just making you slower. Fight it! Don’t let it define you.

Dear reader, keep moving forward. Cuz when one door closes, a million more opens. You just have to start looking again.

So maybe love doesn’t always stay, that doesn’t mean the love I deserve doesn’t exist.

I believe in love. I believe in chances. I believe in deception.

But most of all, I believe in the story the stars will write for me 🙂

In pursuit of happiness..

..we often fail. It is because we are too busy trying to make everything perfect that we forget that the universe has already given us the perfect sunrise.. All we need is the right attitude and the right people to walk with through the day. We forget to smile at the rain because were too busy frowning at the cold. We never enjoy the warm cups of coffee in the morning because our mind is too preoccupied about all the wrong things that may happen for the rest of the day. We have forgotten the sound of healthy laughter because we are too timid to put ourselves out there and have fun. 

Life is beautiful. But one must learn to open the doors of it for them to find the beauty within. Dear reader, smile. You are worth it. And you’re life has better things to offer…you’ll get to the good parts..only if you set your mind to it 😉

The People Worth Writing For.

“I love you as the person I’m willing to write about. And if you don’t know what that means..well you should know that I love to write and I only write about the things I can’t get out of my mind..And in this case its YOU.”

Dear reader, here are the people I believe are worth writing for.. people who have stuck with me until the very end…the artists who have broken the monotony of the blank canvass which was once me..the mechanics who have cranked up the rusted bolts and chains within me…the chameleons who became my mother, sister, brother, friend, lover, doctor, lawyer, and companion.

Athena, Melizza.

To the both of you who have been the Harry Potter and Ron Weasley of my story, I thank you. For all the times I failed to control the outburst of stupidity in me, you were the patient menders that picked up the pieces and built a Lego house. The two of you have been the best of friends that hears the voice within the deafening silence of me..one smile is just a curve of the lips but to you it is a gesture of a thousand words. I love you both!

Mark, Andehl, Ieoh.

No doubt, my life would be plain and dull without the three of you. No words can ever express my gratitude for all those times you waited for me and for all those times you tolerated my childish behavior and for all those times you brought laughter and joy to my world. You have kept me smiling through all the darkness life brings. Like Albus Dumbledore, you have brought me my sanity by bringing clarity back into the cosmos. I thank you, little brothers (even if you are all older than me :>)

Dyan Visitacion.

You are the Severus Snape of my story..(no, she doesn’t get killed by a snake. And no, her hair is actually nice.) I always thought we were enemies in everything..but you were always there to protect me even if I don’t often see it. I thank you for everything. Our friendship has gone through far beyond what the universe offers…We are both growing up.. And we should be proud of that. In all the acts of immaturity, I know we will always be there for each other.

Yza Alcid.

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. I will never forget all those years of childishness and trouble and mischief and sisterhood. But I guess you have triggered something with in me- a fear that I will carry out as a lesson. I am not afraid of meeting new people but now I am afraid of meeting the wrong ones. I hope the best for you and your future.

Precious Duque.

It’s strange how the universe conspired for us to hate each other for 3 straight years and magically out of nowhere decide to forge a link of friendship between us. I will always remember our random talks and fun-filled fodtrips and all those notebooks we destoryed with our fast and illegible scribbles that contains what our subconsious thinks of. If stupidity is viral, I would blame you. And if idiocy is lethal then we would be both dead by now. But that’s what friends are for: we support each other through all the ups and downs.

Marquis Balai.

You were once my perfect shade of blue skies. But the universe hates perfection. Like Robin of How I Met Your Mother, you are the person I have loved so differently that my love for you will no longer exist for anyone else. You are the Robin of my story- one who have shown me the beauty in falling…but one who will never be able to catch me. Thank you for everything. I am glad to be your friend, always.

Rica Abella.

You are everywhere most of the time but you always manage to keep up with time and find yourself right beside me whenever my eyes burst into tsunami waves. Though we are of the same age, you speak of such old language and wisdom. For all those times you have made me stronger, I thank you. For all those pats in the back and all those hugs, I will never forget you. You are the Katniss as I am Prim. You are an inspiration.

 

Jomari Lucero.

Life offers me the best gurus who have gone through all the worst possible case scenarios. Someone who has done stupider things than me. In this case, the universe conspired for us to meet and for you to inflict within me the hard lessons that you have learned in your own ways. I will grow up..soon. I promis…but that would be what an immature kid would say. So instead of a promise, I offer you my gratitude- proof that I have listened to you and shared in the pain the world brings. I thank you for being a part of my life.

 

Janus Pacis

For being YOU.