life

Saving a friendship

The most beautiful thing in the world is to fall in love with a person you consider to be your best friend. And there is nothing better than having mutual love exist for the both of you. But it’s also the hardest decision and process to turn the friendship into a serious, intimate relationship.

Sometimes it gets complicated. You fall in love with your best friend and she feels the same way but then… you choke. Because what if..

What if the relationship ends up like most young love stories out there.

You look back at your previous relationships, why they ended, what went wrong, and how badly broken you felt and how badly broken the other felt. Then you think about what’s gonna happen with your best friend. How badly broken she’s gonna feel if the relationship turns sour. You can’t handle that because to you, she is the best person in the world who deserves nothing short of happiness. What if you bring the opposite?

You may not know this, but she thinks the same.

So both of you become stuck in the middle of being best friends and lovers. It’s a confusing and frustrating feeling of ‘Should I do this?’ or ‘Am I allowed to do this’.

You set these mental limitations. You try to be casual. Try not to talk about the churning in your stomach when you see her. Try not to get jealous when she talks about some other person she finds interesting. Try not to be possessive of her time. Try not to lean close and kiss her. Try not to stare too long in her eyes. Basically, torture yourself into throwing away all the not so friendly feeling you have for her. But we all know you can’t keep up pretending.

You are going to tell her how you feel- how you want to go beyond being just ‘best friends’.

And then you hold your breath. Hope and pray that what she feels for you is just as intense and amazing as how you feel about her.

If you’re lucky, you get to be lovers. And the friendship becomes stronger.

If not, then maybe you’ll just stay friends. It’s gonna be awkward. It’s gonna be a strange new feeling. The rejection will hurt and you both may need time to recover. But after some time, you’ll find a way to laugh about it. And you will always love her, maybe not as intensely. She’ll always be your best friend- and it will be a burden and a joy.

Note: feel free to exchange her/she for him/he. its just that i find it hard to always put “/he, /him” 🙂

Getting by

I don’t know what I’m looking for exactly. I just know that something’s not right. That something is missing. And that because it’s missing, I just want to stop breathing. Because nowadays, I’ve done more ‘getting by’ than actually living.

And I don’t know what I’m supposed do. When will this ever stop when at every end point of the day, I have the need to write the sadness away. Because there’s just no happy stories to tell.

There’s just not much to tell.