moving on

This Is How I Want To Remember Love

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When he asked me for advice

I’m that friend who’s gonna tell you to chase the girl. I’m that friend who’s gonna tell you to hold on to her as much as you can. Trust me, it’s gonna be worth it. She’s gonna be worth all your patience and frustrations..

Trust me, exactly as much as I never trusted you.

Everything you’re doing right now is gonna win her over.And you’re gonna wake up to her smile and you’ll forget the beauty of the sunrise you saw with me. You’re gonna look back at your pain, and know that every hand hold after is a band aid to every harsh word she let out whenever she doubted you. Every hand hold is gonna feel like victory. And you’ll find your special hand hold. It’s gonna be different from ours. And I promise…it’s gonna be better.

The Last Time I Write About You

The last leaf of autumn fell yet my love did not fade with the seasons…instead it perplexed with it.

I am a snowflake in hell, surviving the heat with all the tenacity I can summon. But that’s the problem…I am surviving. Not living. I can’t sleep. But I have to. The most painful part is knowing I will never wake up beside you ever again. I can’t eat. But my body needs the food. And so with every ounce of my being, I force every bit of food that I can into my system trying to forget your eyes..the way you stare at me when we eat together as if giving me a purpose with just one blink.

Lastly, I realize you were once my oxygen. I can’t breathe. But I have to with your scent gone. And I realized even if the universe sends out trillions of stars to shoot across the earth, no wish can save me. I am in a psychological battle with myself. And it is only I who can end this.

But thank you for all the wounds, because then without them, I wouldn’t realize the value of the people God gave me. The people who I can trust. The people who were there with me when you came not for me but for her. The people who showed me the brighter side of the moon.

Thanks to you…he came.

Finally.. I am free from your chains. I have been torn at the seams but now I am stitched up with words that will shout my strength…I am brave and you do not control me anymore.

I am free.

It’s 11:22 and I miss you.

It 11:22 and I’ve been trying to talk to you. I just can’t find the right words to fit our tragedy. But here’s an attempt.

I’m sorry I fell in love. I don’t regret it. But I know you do. 

No, that’s so stupid. Let me start with a lie.

I’m moving on now. 

Of course that’s a lie. The image of you refuses to leave my mind. Your eyes..a perfect shade, not brown..not even black..but a perfect color in between. I’ve had the pleasure of staring into them and falling asleep..remembering them in my dreams. Of course, I remember everything. From the way you walk, to the way you taste, to the way your skin feels.

Lately I’ve been trying to forget every fragment of us that happened for the past few years.

But that’s another lie. I never tried to forget you. Instead, I kept remembering everything. The way your heartbeat was the perfect lullaby for me. The feeling of pure warmness when your voice whispers on my ears..as if your voice was some sort of drug I was addicted to.

I love you. 

I don’t know if that’s a lie. I don’t even want to find out. I just wanna feel it the third time around. And maybe, I could break the shackles choking me inside.

I wish you luck in the future. 

Of course I don’t. I can’t bear the thought of you having a future without me. I am too fragile to even see you hold her hand and walk with her. Maybe even one dance with her will turn me into a supernova-exploding from staccato bursts of pain. Don’t even try to kiss her. My heart would commit suicide. Come back to me, instead.

I am fragile. I am broken. I am lost. I am stuck on my bed, with an infinity of sweet flicks I watch and endure..wishing you are here with me, catching my tears and soothing me with your touch.

But I guess you are summer and I am winter. It is our nature to hurt each other. You are fire and I am ice. Our collision ends in tears. And now all we have is sadness.. Its not the type of misery that changes us..Its the grief that reveals us.

Maybe, Im just going around the bush here.

I miss you. And it’s 11:41. And whatever number the clock points to, I will always miss you because we will always be miles apart and you will never miss me back.

😦

It’s 11:49. I miss you.