His hand holds felt rushed. Like i could reach out anytime and catch the worn out leather of a suitcase leaving me.
We stood there, talking about star wars.
And it felt too long, and a million galaxies away from ever being too real.
So recently, I lost my phone and decided not to get a new one (for now). And for the past few weeks, I’ve realized how attached I have been to my phone. My whole life was basically pieced through all the contacts I have, all the unfinished poems in my memos, the random snapshots, records of late night calls—all of which were contained in a device no bigger than the size of my face. And in an instance of carelessness (either that, or someone stole it), it all just disappeared.
At first I panicked. Most times, I still panic.
But there is something new about the experience of not having a phone through which people can contact you. I’ve realized that there are some people in this world who I only reach through my cellular phone— people I’m not even friends with on facebook/other social media. And it’s weird because does that mean I cut off these people from my life?
And sure, you might be wondering why in the fuck’s world do I contact these people only through their mobile numbers.. The truth? I never thought I’d lose my phone.
But anyways, the more important lesson here is how we humans have been connected through devices– as if all the combinations of ones and zeros were the very linkages of humanity. We lose the ability to communicate. We lose the ability to perceive from a different stand point. We lose patience.
Not having a phone (for now), had made me force myself to trust words and to trust people. So if i ever set a meet-up with a friend at a certain place at a certain time, I have to trust that they hold their end of the bargain and show up. Which is kinda like a gamble of time- it makes you think, am I wasting my time waiting for a friend who has no intention of showing up or am I just being impatient because I dont have a phone to text them and have them update me. In extreme cases wherein they really dont show up, I rely on coincidence— fate that a random schoolmate or anyone I know will show up out of nowhere and lend me his/her phone. (yes, it has happened— many times)
But you see, weve been too caught up in having everything happen in an instant- one click to know someone’s whereabouts, one click to cancel a date, one click to reach someone 500 miles away. Although its all amazing innovation and invention, we lose so much of our values to it.
So this week, I’ve learned to be patient. And I’ve learned to trust that people will eventually come through for you. Mostly, I’ve been having fun not knowing what’s gonna happen, who I’m gonna be forced to socialize with because I really need access to a phone. And lastly, I feel more present.
I’m not saying you should lose your phone or something. But try to turn it off once in a while. Might do you some good 🙂
Pour your soul into my hands and I’ll make a heart shape out of it.
You can try to be drunk and hide the lonely
But the world will always find you at your most vulnerable
And there’s no escape in that.
You can forget his face… his kisses, the memories, all the hand holds
You can forget every single thing that made you fall for him
But you will never forget the feeling of being left
And that’s why a break-up hurts.
Drinking coffee from your beer mug- this, i miss…along with every morning spent with you.
The most beautiful thing in the world is to fall in love with a person you consider to be your best friend. And there is nothing better than having mutual love exist for the both of you. But it’s also the hardest decision and process to turn the friendship into a serious, intimate relationship.
Sometimes it gets complicated. You fall in love with your best friend and she feels the same way but then… you choke. Because what if..
What if the relationship ends up like most young love stories out there.
You look back at your previous relationships, why they ended, what went wrong, and how badly broken you felt and how badly broken the other felt. Then you think about what’s gonna happen with your best friend. How badly broken she’s gonna feel if the relationship turns sour. You can’t handle that because to you, she is the best person in the world who deserves nothing short of happiness. What if you bring the opposite?
You may not know this, but she thinks the same.
So both of you become stuck in the middle of being best friends and lovers. It’s a confusing and frustrating feeling of ‘Should I do this?’ or ‘Am I allowed to do this’.
You set these mental limitations. You try to be casual. Try not to talk about the churning in your stomach when you see her. Try not to get jealous when she talks about some other person she finds interesting. Try not to be possessive of her time. Try not to lean close and kiss her. Try not to stare too long in her eyes. Basically, torture yourself into throwing away all the not so friendly feeling you have for her. But we all know you can’t keep up pretending.
You are going to tell her how you feel- how you want to go beyond being just ‘best friends’.
And then you hold your breath. Hope and pray that what she feels for you is just as intense and amazing as how you feel about her.
If you’re lucky, you get to be lovers. And the friendship becomes stronger.
If not, then maybe you’ll just stay friends. It’s gonna be awkward. It’s gonna be a strange new feeling. The rejection will hurt and you both may need time to recover. But after some time, you’ll find a way to laugh about it. And you will always love her, maybe not as intensely. She’ll always be your best friend- and it will be a burden and a joy.
Note: feel free to exchange her/she for him/he. its just that i find it hard to always put “/he, /him” 🙂
How in the world do you make sense of the 2 am silence?
I hope this time you’ll find someone who will carry the weight of the world with you. Happy new year! 🙂