Words stolen

I have not written much

Months have passed as the writer in me withers away, silenced under all the time spent back bent into question marks. It has been the most tiring mornings to wake up to.

I have not written anything in months.

Medical school has stolen the time I would savor to think of words. Now words are how much time I can afford to think. My vocabulary has since been replaced.

Before, I write about the aching pain in my chest- the unfathomable mass evolving inside, pushing against my rib cage, slowly but so surely..any minute now, I wait..for it to consume me. It only does so slowly.

Now i write about the heart and its cardiac output. We do not talk of whirlwinds inside the thoracic cage, instead we talk of stroke volumes and afterloads- pressures the heart has to overcome to pump blood. And no, we are not talking of the way he puts pressure on your heart with the way he looks at you amidst a crowd of beautiful things. Not the way he makes your heart skip a beat when he walks towards you in gentle steps, taking his time, taking the universe’s awe with each step. No. We talk about tricuspid stenosis. We talk about arterial plaques, the possibilities of embolisms, myocardial infarctions. Death.

We talk of death in anatomy. Not the way time ticks so fast with life and yet freezes at the moment of death. Not the way we write about it in suicide notes- impulsive, indecisive, incomprehensible. Instead, we dissect death. Talk about the likeliest bone to be fractured when you jump off a 10 storey building. We do not talk of the life escaping from your last breath. No. We study rigor mortis. The biochemical basis of how your body stiffens after death. The muscles refusing to relax, until lactic acid sweeps away the myosin from its cross bridge.

We talk of health in numbers. The amount of protein in the diet. The blood count. The tidal volume not the tidal waves of wrong decisions hitting you straight in the face the morning you wake up. The oxygen dissociation curve. Not like the linear pattern of how we equate our worth with number of failures.

Here we do not have time to celebrate the wins. We fixate on the failures. Think again and again. Why. How. What else.

How many more hours to sacrifice. How many more birthdays, weddings, do we need to miss to get things right. What words we need to know. What parts of us we need to shut off. What pain we have to accept.

We have to get it right. More than words we have to get it right. A life depends on it.

I’m more than just a piece in their games

Remember the tiny voice that once said “I wanna be an architect!” or “I’m gonna be the best teacher ever.” 

Well that’s gone now. 

That sweet innocent voice is lost. 

Cuz all I hear now is:

Pass the exam. Don’t look back. Cheat. Take Flight.

Memorize everything down to the finest details. 

Just get a good grade

Kill or be killed…

I guess survival of the fittest exists in college. Cuz every minute I’m not reading and memorizing all those scientific terms, I feel like someone else gets above me- closer to the dreams of becoming a medical doctor. I feel like school isnt about learning anymore…its more like an arena. 

Grab a sword and stab the others. If you don’t, you die.

I dont like this. I dont like the reality that I have to push everyone else down the cliff just for me to get across.

I don’t want that. I’m not some piece anyone can just use. But I’m afraid adaptation is turning me into this inhumane being who will do anything just to avoid the chopping block and cheat her way through everything.

But I know Im so much more than that. I’m stronger.

Maybe instead of saying “pass the exam!” I’ll tell myself “learn and be happy.”

Instead of saying “memorize everything”, I’d go with “understand your passion. you chose it, so take your stand and fight.”

Instead of saying “just get a good grade”, I’ll just smile and say “I’ll be happy trying”

And instead of living by the motto “kill or be killed” maybe I’ll start singing to the words “just do your passion and success will chase you down.”

College is tough. But dear reader, I’m tougher. I’m more than just a piece in their games 😉

I miss school. Seriously.

For the last few weeks, nothing has separated me from the warmness of my undeniably supportive bed. No alarm clocks to ruin a beautifully plotted dream. Nothing to worry about, just a new sun rising, new food on the table, no school work, just freedom. 

But it all ends tomorrow. Guns loaded with mind-blowing Math equations, termite-infested rooms filled with monstrous teachers who are gonna eat us alive, and more bullets to dodge. Yup! It’s a little battlefield I love to call high school.

Actually, I kinda miss school (no, Im not hypnotized by aliens nor am I on drugs) I seriously miss school. I miss the adrenaline rush I get whenever I wake up at 5:30 a.m. trying not to sing in the shower (cuz that would make me stay longer in the bathroom), trying to munch everything I can because of the limited time I have. I miss the excitements of getting to see my friends in the morning. I miss walking through the corridors saying hi to random schoolmates. I miss trying to beat the clock in an attempt to find x, y and z. I miss seeing my crush and getting jolts of happiness whenever our eyes meet. The list of the things I miss goes on and on and on and on. 

I know it sounds crazy. When I was 12, I hated school. I hated everything- all the homeworks, projects, examinations and not t forget the never-ending ache of failures. 

But today I suddenly miss it… I suddenly crave for all the busy and chaotic days. It’s all because I’m not getting any younger. 2 months from now Im gonna turn 16, and with each year added to my age, all the fun memories suddenly seem so far now. I can never go back to the joyous days of being young and immature and childish. I have to be responsible now. Time won’t slow down. I may want to still stick around the past for much longer but life won’t care. It will move on and if we don’t move with it, we get trampled.

Reader, I’m afraid of graduation. I’m afraid that the future won’t greet me with open arms. I fear the day I can no longer have the time and energy to do all the crazy things I want. I fear the responsibility vested upon my shoulders as I take the diploma and leave high school for good. 

Fear will always hunt me. But I can’t bow down to it forever. 

Out there is a world of possibilities. Opportunities are like a house of cards- they crumble easily. But we shouldn’t be afraid to enter and enjoy the wonders it offers. I need to stop drawing lines and boundaries and start crossing them. 

A lot of people are afraid to leave memories behind. But I believe they’re just afraid to make new ones. 

Dear reader, I believe that sometimes building more fences around us only ruins what’s out there. We should be taking risks and crossing walls because we are only young once. We need to stop fearing what’s unknown and start unlocking more doors of tomorrow.

So tomorrow, I will walk the floors of the corridors with style. I will ride, I will fly, chase the wind and touch the sky.