feelings

Anxiety knocks

Please understand that there are days when my anxiety is sky high 

And though you say you’ll love me still

These are the days i just want to sleep and forget the world. Sometimes it also means forgetting you love me. 

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To all the broken lovers.

She stared at him with the stare that could trigger a million feelings all at once. She stared into his eyes..the eyes that held her entire universe.
She stared and she drifted away. She drifted way too much as if he was her gravity. She stared too much at the light as if his entire being burned out her eyes with tormenting guilt and graceful sin.
She watched him dance with some pretty girl at prom while she sat alone in the back table dreaming about what it would feel like if it was her hand he was holding or her eyes he got lost in or her hip he was touching.
She watched him walk with the pretty girl through the corridors, hold her close and bring her flowers.
Even on Valentine’s Day, she watched him serenade the pretty girl in beautiful harmonies and sweet rhythms that made everyone say “awww”
Everyday she cried. Every fuckin day it hurt. It felt like slipping through thin ice and just falling into nothing but an abyss of darkness while the water burned like ice. It was nothing but pain..the type of pain that doesnt just vanish with a joke or a stroll through the park. It was the type of pain that had to be felt.
He broke her..in every single day that a person can be broken. But it wasnt his fault. Nor should we put the blame in the stars.
Dear reader, her love for him was a noble love.
One day, she stopped staring…not because she didnt love him anymore but because she realized that a miracle wouldnt just appear on her doorstep. Because if she really did love him then she she would show him in every little way possible…doing nothing about it isnt love.
Love felt isnt really love unless its shown.
And even if his feelings doesnt reciprocate hers, its okay because at least she’ll know that she did something about it rather than to idly sit by and complain to the universe why she never got her sweet kiss on top of the Eifel Tower.
Dear reader, I know its frustrating when things dont work out between people but I believe that our duty is on the love that we give rather than to the person. Its our job to give the best of what love is and show it to the person we love even if the world disappoints us with failures and rejections. At least we can go to bed at night knowing that we did one great hell of a job taking a leap of fate into the edge of the cliff. Thats better than staying up late rewinding the whole scene frame by frame in our head regretting the things we couldve done but didnt do.
So despite the pounding of her heart and the twisting of her stomach and the screaming of her lungs…she walked up to him with hair all messed up and a face stained red..she smiled and said “Hi 🙂 “

I’m just not that into you..

I don’t get it why I never have the gush of a million wonderful feelings brought about by blood rushing through my veins, making its way to my face, coating my cheeks with a tomato red glow whenever I’m with you. It’s nice holding you’re hand..but that’s the problem, it’s just nice. It’s not something I go crazy for..and think about every night before I go to sleep.

We’ve had moments..you’ve given me a lot of memories to one day tell within the numbered days we have before I live for Manila. But darling, I don’t know how to be something you miss..I don’t know  what’s wrong with me but  you make me feel so insignificant.. as if I am just a companion..instead of the Juliet as to you are Romeo. 

But dear love, I’m just no that into you.

I’m gonna pick up the pieces..and build a Lego house.

I can live without your hugs.. 

Because in me is a soul brave enough to survive the cold with just my own arms around my body. In my hands is the heat of the most bitter thing in this world- tears…tears that have rusted the stupidity within me that used to control me.

Take your words..I don’t need them.

I’m sixteen- young and scarred by reality. But my life does not revolve around the search for the right HIM. I may be a damsel in distress but in this beautiful life of mine, I am eager to search for my future bridesmaids that will stand by me through all the tests of time and the ones who will walk the aisle before me, making sure that the path I am taking is one worth sacrificing my youth. 

I do not need words that will vanish into thin air..for only actions can prove what the heart can only beat for. 

And when you’re long gone..who do I love?

I will love myself more. Because I deserve to grow. I’m gonna pick up the pieces and build a Lego house..one so fragile yet so amazing. I will make more mistakes because I love myself. Not taking any leap of faiths is like not living at all. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Love is fragile. Because the great things in life are just like sugar..they crumble easily but dont be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste the sweetness life offers. 

And so today, I stand before the mighty universe..weak and tired. But I will not be vaporized into oblivion. Instead, I will recover and I will fly again…I will soar so high that even gravity will give up on trying to put me down.

Dear reader, it is in our nature to feel and be hurt. But it is only ourselves who can defy the odds and smile again. I guess I choose to smile and wait and live life.

If you are reading this…

Dear love, I want you to know that I believe too much in love that I can take all the rejection and all the frustration of not having you back in my life…But I guess my mind was a month late in realizing that all this time it was YOU. and that all this time, the butterflies I get whenever our eyes meet are the signs that I have been lying to myself- telling my subconscious to love a different person that is not you. All those days of seeing you with her didn’t bother me. I guess it was because I was distracted. But to tell you the truth, my mind is still holds a space preoccupied by YOU.

Dear reader, to wait for something is hard. I know, its frustrating..especially when what you are waiting for is not coming at all. But to regret the things you could have done but didn’t do is HARDER. A friend of mine once told me that NOTHING IS EVER TOO LATE. But that doesn’t make a good excuse for every situation. Sometimes we have to GROW UP- face reality and ameliorate for the better.

A month ago, I said yes to a person whom I thought I could love. But I was only blinded by temporary feelings that made me crave for attention and care. And I guess that cracks inside of me gave way for someone to come and open up the doors to another lie. There is a difference between just loving a person and falling in love with someone. Falling in love is beautiful and wonderful and nice and kind and patient and happy.

It was only last week, that I realized all this time I was lying to myself. And dear reader, one month is a very long time. People change and sometimes it doesn’t always work out. But that doesn’t mean that we can’t fix the mistakes we made.

Pain is the antidote of stupidity. And experiencing the hurt is just a part of growing up because nothing in this world is pure sweetness and light. Life cannot always paint us baby blue skies. Sometimes, we have to go through the most catastrophic storms before we find the brightest rainbows.

So I guess I fought fear and finally had the guts to face him and tell him I love him. But then, but that time, he already loved another. And dear reader, it hurt like hell- knowing that what once was so beautiful is now swallowed by the wind..forgotten and light years away from ever becoming into reality again. But at least I know I tried.

My friend told me that step one to growing up is TRYING. And so I tried. And I failed. And when I asked my friend what the next step is…he told me that I have to figure it out as I keep going. Discovering paths is just a part of growing up. And LOVE is too mysterious that one can never be so sure of anything..except for when they feel the unexplainable jolts of cupid’s arrows.

Dear reader, I believe that love is a leap of faith and sometimes, you just I have to jump. I choose to jump, even if it breaks me or shatters me, I know that I am fragile but I would rather be hurt than to not stay true to myself..and so I guess I will wait. Yes..In this lifetime or the next..I will wait.

If you are reading this..I love you. And yes, I respect your decision.