The dull ache of doubt

Dear reader, I have been in such a state of confusion. And the only way I can save myself from exploding inside my mind is by writing.

I am a pessimist. I usually believe that the world will one day punish me for all the wrong I’ve done. There has not been a day where the idea of me all depressed and singing to Taylor Swift songs has not crossed my mind..I have yet to accept that my life is not a movie and that it will not always have a planned script for every scene..nor is my life a musical where all the bitterness could disappear with a song and a dance. You see me smile but in my mind I have already killed you in the gruesome death you deserve.

I can never last in a relationship for a month or two without doubting everything…without thinking of the worse case scenarios..without imagining him with another girl….without trying to figure out the tragic ending. I never stop tormenting myself with the thought that you will always find someone better and smarter and prettier. If I can’t even stop worrying for a day or two then dear reader, how would I even survive this long distance relationship between lovers who are new and fresh to the idea of starting over again in the game of love?

I can’t weigh what matters because all I think about is the negative side. And I guess thats what went wrong with my past relationship. I thought too much of all the things that could go wrong that I watched the love of my life slip away from my embrace. 

But that is me. I am pessimistic and I guess, one day I’d like for someone to change that. And if he can, then maybe it’s him. 

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2 comments

  1. Unfortunately pessimism is a worldview, an outlook on life that has been shaped by past experiences. So even the most incredible man on earth doesn’t have the power to change a lifetime’s worth of experiences. It’s something inside that has to change.

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